Unleash the Power of Vulnerability

"I have never heard a person speak with such vulnerability at a business conference as you just were." Really? Moi? My presentation at a national conference of financial and philanthropic professionals carried the title, "What Was and What Will Be: A Client in Transition." I presented case studies, mine included, to illustrate the best and worst practices of advisors' vis-a-vis the retention of clients. The audience learned that while  some professionals recognized I was as much of their client as my then-husband, others dismissed me as "the wife of the client." The retelling of my experiences brought audible gasps from the audience. My frame of reference was, "I'm here to tell these people what it is like on the client-side of the table," and if I was going to share those stories, I need to tell the truth —  you couldn't make up some of these experiences.

When many people echoed the vulnerability aspect of my speech, I was dumbfounded and asked a friend precisely what that meant. She expounded, "You talked about not just what happened to you, but how it felt. You voiced what was going on, intellectually and emotionally." The view that I am unguarded is a disconnect because my perspective is that I am sharing my truth. It is my nature to include emotions in the equation, so I didn't think this was anything new or unordinary.

I want to know how people feel, and I assume everyone is like that. In jest, one of my friends introduces me, "This is my friend, Emily. Don't ask her how she is; she'll tell you," For the record, when I ask, "How are you?" I follow it with "That's a real question."

I have come to understand that not everyone comes to vulnerability easily. Many people mask their emotions — especially when talking about their feelings regarding their wealth because it is more comfortable, more conforming, and less open to judgment. (factoid: People would rather talk about sex with their children than talk about money).

"The problem is...that you cannot selectively numb those hard feelings without numbing the other effects and emotions. When we numb those, we numb joy, numb gratitude, numb happiness, and then we are miserable and are looking for purpose and meaning." -Brene Brown

The realization that my inherent superpower, of being vulnerable, led me to a personal and professional transformation. I'm here to tell you there is power in being vulnerable.

Having been both the client and the professional, I know that vulnerability is at the crux of people's challenges. Many people don't know how to address their emotional turmoil around their wealth. Clients don't readily share their emotional sensitivities regarding their wealth or estate plan with their lawyers and advisors, which causes dilemmas or issues for these professionals. Shame and fear are what keep many people from sharing their stories.

Being Vulnerable Means Being Open to Possibilities

An investment manager referred me to his clients, a couple, who were continually battling about their financial needs and wants. After asking each of them about the state of their marriage, what they trusted and liked about each other, we established that their intentions were loving. I clarified that our conversations would occur in a safe space to encourage each of them to let down their guard. The notion of someone hearing you, alone, is a great place to start. Each of them completed my worksheets to define their individual money story and share it only with me. By detailing your money story and saying it out loud, a person can feel acceptance and understanding. When we were all back together, the couple shared their stories. By sharing, they were asking one another for recognition — to listen with empathy and without judgment. We then went over the similarities and differences with both of their stories, acknowledging the source of one another's emotions around their finances, taking down the barriers that stood between them, and reframing the conversation to one of recognizing different perspectives, options, and compromise.

Vulnerability Brings Resolution

I have come to appreciate that hiding from one's truth is more painful than accepting it. A client, anxious about his legacy and feeling emotionally misaligned with his estate plan, came to me to discuss possible revisions. Chief among his concerns was his adult children's futures, and what might transpire upon his passing. He had children with two different women with dissimilar financial capabilities. He realized that the two sets of children would have different inheritances on the maternal side, and he was not sure how to reconcile this fact in his plan. In his plan, he wanted each child to feel equally loved by him and not equate his love with the monetary inheritance they would receive from him.  

In a review of the information he had shared, the questions he pondered, and the gaps between what existed and his feelings, it was evident that he wasn't fully sharing his truth. Our conversations were the perfect opportunities for him to open up about his thoughts and feelings about his legacy. We role-played the dialogues that he could have with his family to gain further clarity. He reported back that each conversation was one of the most meaningful, loving, and informative conversations he has ever had with his children. 

From there, we were able to document the changes for his estate lawyer to facilitate the revisions needed in his estate plan.

How to Unleash the Power of Vulnerability

Recognize that your need to protect yourself is limiting you. When we know we are about to be judged, we give the least personal information because we believe we are reducing possible ammunition for others to use. How can you discover the power of vulnerability?

1. Appreciate the journey you are about to take.

The information you will learn about yourself now will enable you to move on. The fear of the unknown is the worst of it. Owning part of the outcome is vital. Vulnerability isn't happening to you; you are part of the solution and choosing to be vulnerable.

2. Know your audience.

There is space and opportunity to offer your truth. It would help if you appreciate your audience and how much they can take in and how much you can take with their reaction. By knowing your audience, you are no longer hiding when you share. Like wearing a coat in winter and walking out into the cold, you are insulated and prepared for what you might hear.

3. Test the waters.

There is a difference between vulnerability in-the-moment versus in the past. Present and past emotions are on different levels, with the former carrying a more significant sting. Tell a story from your past. You will have fewer feelings about it because it has already happened. By sharing, you will get a sense of whether someone hears what you have to say. Ask yourself, why do you want to share this information? What do you want the outcome to be? Sharing a story can help teach you adaptability and resilience. It will help to reframe your vulnerability. 

4. Bring on the power.

The fear of 'I'm not good enough' can be top of mind, opening the door for doubt and fear. You have to be prepared to get an unwanted answer. Be resilient by believing in yourself in the face of a challenge. Your wellbeing is not dependent on the response. Learn to be more adaptable by embracing vulnerability, having courage, and "a willingness to do something when there are no guarantees." If people can adapt, they can resource their strengths and find power in vulnerability. 

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I explain my professional foundation with the following: Vulnerability is a strength. I believe that people want to matter, be seen, and be heard. Our conversations are confidential and free of judgment.  I also come to the conversation curious, which allows me to listen differently and more deeply. This core philosophy encourages trust, which opens the door to a far more emotional conversation about money — where the magic of vulnerability transpires and eventually leads to clarity and peace of mind.

Identifying Your Emotions Around Your Money Can Bring You Peace

For many people, when the pandemic and shelter in place dramatically changed our personal and professional lives, their general anxieties about financial security shot to the sky. As someone who has "bag lady syndrome," I was surprised that I didn't crawl under my bed and assume a fetal position. The hypothetical scenario of the world coming to an end was something I imagined for years. But I didn't hide, and I will circle back to why in a few paragraphs.

The reality is that no one can predict when the economy will rebound, and very few, if any, are suggesting anytime soon. For now, people will, understandably so, continue to be worried about their financial future.

The subject of money and anxiety is so topical that the New York Times writer, Paul Sullivan, recently wrote about people turning to financial therapists for help.  He states, "financial therapists have advanced degrees in psychology or clinical social work." He neglected to mention the few of us who, with a financial services background, empathic listening skills, and practical experience, have already unearthed the value of blending the technical and the human side of money — that doing so is an act of financial therapy in itself. 

The human side of money is a relevant topic every single day.

My work with clients to identify their emotional relationship as it relates to their money and their future has confirmed my perspective that wealth is profoundly personal and carries a complex set of feelings and thoughts. By working together to uncover the client's money stories, I can guide my clients, define objectives, navigate challenges, set goals, and help them to feel better about their financial future. For those clients in personal relationships, through learning about their own and each other's money narratives, communications are enhanced as the recognition of differences and similarities come to light. This is especially true now, as we live in such a heightened state of vulnerability, unknown, and concern.

The participants in "Your Money Story" workshops and seminars that I conduct review their backgrounds with the lens focused on implicit and explicit messages from childhood to adulthood. Moving from past to present, the revelations of how those earlier messages manifest into beliefs, thoughts, and actions surface. With that new-found information, each cohort member can reframe their money attitudes and perceptions to create a plan that resonates with who they are.

As promised, the big reveal as to why I am still standing versus curled up under a rock is because I know my money story. I can tell you firsthand that it's a liberating process to have gone through. I am aware of why I have bag lady syndrome because of the messages I received as a child of a refugee father, a depression-era mother, and of their failed marriage, which dramatically changed my mother's financial situation. I appreciate that the need to understand and protect my financial resources caused me to be very risk-aware — aware being the operative word — which, in turn, caused me to ask many questions for every investment my ex-husband wanted to make. I do admit I am curious about almost everything and frequently want more information.  

Knowing my money story lowered the influence my bag lady syndrome has in my life; she is now only a member of my internal committee, not the chairperson. My recognition of my triggers and fears moved me to calmly call my financial advisor and ask for a cash reserve with a longer time horizon. This move enabled me to continue to focus on what is important to me; acts of service, working with clients, being a loving partner, friend, and caretaker. This mind shift was such a dramatic departure from what she and I expected from me, that I joked with her that my measured response might have been too shocking for her. Read my money story here. 

"The universe is made of stories, not of atoms." – Muriel Rukeyser

Our money story is an emotional expression. We all have a money story that influences our beliefs and the choices we make. What we can't recognize, we can't change. Now is an ideal time to put your money story into perspective, to identify what is important to you as it relates to your assets, and to put your money story to work for you. It is essential that you know it to have the connectivity between your vision, values, and money.

Days of Covid-19: Community Compassion Daily Posts

On March 17, 2020, shortly after shelter-in-place was mandated in San Francisco, I wanted to post, on the Power of And facebook page, a daily message about community compassion, self compassion, and something that spoke to the ways people were trying to use their humanity for good. On Day 16, we were told that shelter-in-place would extend at least 5 more weeks. With that news, I wanted to highlight our need for self-compassion and love. Here is that post:

Day 16 #CommunityCompassion...the news has been difficult on many levels and the bright spots, while bright, are sometimes hard to see in all the darkness. While being of service to others, try to be of service to yourself and practice some self-compassion and self-love...a favorite poem:

Self Love by Lang Leav

Once when I was running,
from all that haunted me;
to the dark I was succumbing -
to what hurt unbearably.

Searching for the one thing,
that would set my sad soul free.

In time I stumbled upon it,
an inner calm and peace;
and now I am beginning -
and all I've yet to be.

#communitycompassion #selflove Lang Leav

Can We Be Impartial With Ourselves About Our Money?

Can We be Impartial With Ourselves About Our Money?

Impartiality is a hot topic in the press these days. The issue of neutrality led me to wonder if we are fair with ourselves. Are we open to new ideas, facts, lessons learned, or are we just critical with our life choices? I posed these questions to my clients as we reviewed their 2019 year-end financial picture and discussed 2020 goals. I, too, need to answer these questions for the same reasons and for the same periods. What follows is some guidance on how you can create your new year/new decade in ways that make sense for your financial goals, while appreciating your life values, principles, money narrative, and thought process.

Give Grace

A client and I discovered we both overspent with our gift-giving in 2019. We compared notes and found we had the same reactions of being self-critical for going over our personal budgets. In our meeting, when reviewing my client’s finances, she expressed anxiety and fear about the ramifications of overspending in a category. For 2020, she had started planning how not to repeat her “error.” My questions, such as, “How did it feel to buy a gift for your Uncle? Will you walk through the entire process?” brought forth how calm and joyful she felt at the time of buying and giving the gift. Through this process, we discovered that her style of gifting intertwined her life values of generosity and thoughtfulness.

The same is true of me. After some pondering, I don't regret how I’ve prioritized my life values and resulting financial picture at all. Giving allows me to live my life the way I want to live it.

Everyone has a money narrative; derived from how we grew up with money, what we learned explicitly or implicitly about it. Our money story holds our emotions, which leads to our thoughts and actions. I encourage you to review your 2019 financial actions with a different lens. Flipping your self-narrative from critical to positive can offer a needed reframe of your money narrative.

Consider Trade-Offs

A review and reconstruction of your yearly budget are appropriate. We are all in a constant state of transition. How we think about money, how we spend and save money reflects the changes in our lives. I work with my clients to create their personal Venn diagram – the intersection of your dollars with the collection and prioritization of wants, needs, and life values. If you have already created your 2020 budget, given we are already in February, you may be wise to take another look at it. I encourage you to ask yourself, “Is this budget financially feasible? What do I want to trade-off to make it so?” I previously wrote about The Beauty of Budgets, where I spend a great deal of time reflecting on my relationship to money, my needs, life values, and financial goals. Don't worry; it isn't as painful as you think. Setting a budget can bring comfort and clarity.

Give Yourself Affirmation

As we move into alignment, as we gain insight into our personal money story, how we think about our financial picture takes on a different perspective. I heard someone say, “leave your head, and get into your heart.” I wish I had come up with that line as it describes my philosophy of how to think with all systems in concert together. Let me offer, that when you act while considering your life values and priorities, there can be a sense of calmness, of certainty. “This is what I was meant to do,” is an expression I hear when this occurs.

Serenity was what my client felt when she took her son to serve at a food pantry during the holidays, which resulted in his appreciation of the many gifts he has received from his parents. Another client thought it necessary to take his family on a trip to see relatives across the country and altered his financial structure to accommodate that trip. At the end of 2019, I traveled to the US/Mexico border to volunteer with humanitarian non-profits assisting asylum seekers. While I didn't go there seeking fulfillment, my mission highlighted my need to serve others who are less fortunate – another reason to tweak my financial plan so I can continue to be of service.

Leigh Weinraub, Founder of Mind in Motion, speaks about “honoring the process of reflection,” as it will bring awareness and understanding of who you are, how you think, and where you are going in your life. I invite you to use the philosophy of reflection on your disposable income and your financial goals in the exact same way.

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” - Aristotle

In this special Year of the Rat, not just a new year but a new decade, which brings with it the promise of prosperity, we can make choices that enable us to provide comfort – mental and physical – for the future. May you move forward this year with joy, enthusiasm, and interest in learning more about and being more impartial with yourself.  If I can be your navigator, sounding board, listening partner, or guide, you know where to find me.

With Warmth and Gratitude - Emily