Your Legacy, A Guide For Singles

THE ASSUMPTIONS WE MAKE

During the transition of married life to divorced life, I was in a doctor's office, filling out the typical paperwork. The question of 'in case of emergency who should we call?' stumped me as I thought, "Now what? Who should they call?" It's strange how a usually straightforward question transforms into more profound thoughts about who and what is important to you. In full disclosure, following this, I learned that my biological father is not the father with whom I grew up, so add the thought of, "for 60 years I have been lying on my medical forms." Who knew a simple piece of paper could generate the reality of the assumptions we make in our lives?

Fast forward to last year and a conversation I was having with a long-term care consultant.  I realized that I needed to learn my insurance options now – before I got even older and body parts would start failing even more than they already do! Had I appropriately financially planned for my circumstances?

One of his very first comments was, "Since you are single with no children, you can spend all your money on taking care of yourself."

WHOA. Altogether not my money mindset nor my financial plan, in fact, the opposite of what I want my legacy to be. People make assumptions when there are no apparent heirs, one of which is presuming that you will want to consume your wealth during your lifetime.

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YOUR LEGACY IS YOUR MISSION STATEMENT

Your legacy is a statement of who you are, how you want to be described, your perspective, values, and principles, AND your consideration of others after you are gone. When you don't have obvious heirs, you get to ideate about how your relationship with money can apply to the various people and organizations that have played a role in your life events and transitions. You have the opportunity to envision the manifestation of your goals and dreams and of those important to you, and how you can contribute to making those visions come true.

My estate plan is chock full of people and nonprofits I care deeply about, and I want my gratitude to include a financial component.  The idea that I wouldn't be able to do that is the antithesis of what money means to me and my mission.

I have a personal mission statement, and I always encourage my clients to have one as well. I call it my NorthStar and the foundational core of my financial decision-making process.

Mine is "I want my money to represent who I want to be as a human being, with my knowledge and emotions aligned to maintain my security, flexibility, freedom, and generosity."

Living Your Legacy…Bruce Munro’s Field of Light at Sensorio

GIVE A GIFT OR CHANGE SOMEONE'S LIFE

When working with clients, one of the many questions I ask is: Do you want to give a gift or change someone's life? Many people automatically think of giving a gift and stop there. If you have the financial means to change someone's life, would that be something you want to do?

Here's an example of a client who initially gave a gift but then pivoted to changing someone's life:

A client's ailing husband had an excellent caregiver for many years.  From what I learned, the patient was not an easy man to be with, and my client was immensely grateful for the caregiver's patience, acceptance, expertise, and continued care.  When her husband died, my client could not say "thank you" enough to the caretaker. She left a nice sum of money for the caretaker in the will. My client also realized that she, too, would need a caretaker. The caretaker stayed on to take care of her.

As my client and I reviewed her values and priorities related to her legacy and her estate plan, the caretaker's name came up in our conversation. My client wanted to give a gift to the caretaker. We discussed that when my client died, the caretaker would be that much older, and working full-time would be a hardship for her. As we looked at my client's desired legacy, it became more apparent that my client wanted to give this woman freedom from having to work to support herself. Rather than a gift, she wanted to change her life and allow her to retire. With this decision, my client's estate lawyer proposed a solution that would accomplish her objectives.

TALKING ABOUT DEATH CHANGES HOW YOU LIVE

One of my favorite precepts is how talking about death changes how you live. Every 'living your legacy' client walks away wanting to incorporate at least some of what we discover during our time together. Our work together opens the door to learning more about what is important to you, at your core. It is not surprising, then, when it becomes crucial to use that information now.

An example of putting that phrase into action was when an asset manager hired me to consult her client on bequest concerns.

Her client, a single woman with no heirs, was eager to determine nonprofits, in five specific fields of interest, as the beneficiaries of her trust.  The project's research phase was extensive, and as I reported back to the client, I could see her interest grow. In the end, there was enough information for her to decide which nonprofits to include in her estate plan.

We created a framework document for her trustees to use for vetting the particular organizations at the time of her death. Included in the paperwork was an explanation of her intentions, values, and beliefs. If the named organizations failed her tests, her trustees would have her guidance to fulfill her wishes with other nonprofits. I also developed a list of questions for her trustees based on the information gathered during the discovery process as a benchmark for them to follow.

With her passion ignited, the client and I discussed that she could start to change how she was living. I encouraged her to spend time getting to know the organizations and the people involved – staff, board, and volunteers – as they are like-minded. She started donating to these nonprofits in the present time, building relationships with the executive directors and staff, volunteering, and giving her life more purpose and joy.

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IN CONSIDERATION AS A SINGLE WOMAN

"About two-thirds of people living alone at home over age 85 are women," according to a 2017 study from the Society of Actuaries.

Not surprising, as all the actuarial tables show, women continue to live longer than men. Given the many statistics that show concerns of women's financial wellness, the financial dependency women have on others, and women's overall relationship with money, planning your legacy as a single woman has its share of extra steps in preparing for beneficiaries. It can get complicated as single women tend to be more concerned about their financial picture during their lifetime. I have spoken and written often of Bag Lady Syndrome, and that topic resonates strongly with women (and men, just not as often).

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OTHER CHANGES I NEEDED TO MAKE, AND NOW MY CLIENTS DO THIS AS WELL

Immediately following my medical form changes, I acknowledged that I needed to change my estate's trustees as my ex-husband clearly didn't belong on that form either. I know all too well the burden of being an estate executor, having assisted in the process several times. I chose two best friends and wrote a lengthy explanation of my thought process, my philosophy, including my mission statement, gifting, and values. 

I asked both of my friends to read my wishes now to ensure I was as clear as I intended to be. Once the editing process was complete, I added the following, "I know that there will be many more pieces of my estate puzzle than I can anticipate at the moment.  I asked you both to do this as I completely trust your judgment.  At any point, if you find yourself asking, 'What would Emily do?' the answer is 'She would ask you to use your judgment.'" I did include, "Besides, I'll be dead, so you won't have to worry about my reaction!" There is nothing like a little humor to lighten the atmosphere.

HOW TO CREATE A ROAD MAP FOR YOUR LOVED ONES

In my practice, I help clients in creating a legacy road map. I use Go Wish Cards to help people find the words that help them identify what is important to them and how to talk about it. Additionally, I take them through a visioning exercise to help them identify their values, which allows them to center their legacy plans in keeping with how they live. Lastly, I encourage all of my clients to write letters to the beneficiaries, both the individuals and organizations, to add the personal reasons behind the gift. It is one thing to ONLY be told you are receiving money. It is something completely different to learn how meaningful you are, AND you are receiving a gift.

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ASK YOURSELF

 The following is a list of questions to help you start ideating about your life and legacy:

•  What are Your Biggest Fears of Being Alone?

What are your biggest fears at the end? What keeps you up at night by being alone, and how do we solve that? 

• Who and What Has Impacted Your Life?

How do you want to honor that or them? Use people who will appreciate the importance of what you are asking of them after you are gone. 

• What Would you Like to See Changed in The World?

Identify and explore your values. Is there something that you prioritize above all else, where you'd like to make an impact? 

• What Does My Generosity Include?

Is there a nonprofit that you'd like to support, and/or someone directly?

• Why Is This Important to Me

Share why you want what you want. It doesn't take a magic formula to plan your legacy. It's a personal process. People won't know your reasons behind your choices unless you communicate them.

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P.S. As I was writing this blog, a former client sent me the following text: "Thank you for helping me understand a different way to prepare for what my children will go through after my death...so that my children will feel empowered, loved, trusted, and deeply cherished. 

In case you are wondering, my siblings and I were blindsided by my father's will today. It's not a huge deal to us financially, but it's what it signifies vis-à-vis all of the things I listed in the text above. The grief alone was bad enough. But to have this heaped on top today was almost unbearable. Thanks. I'll call soon."

 My heart aches for my client.  This is not how it has to be.  Ever.

Living Your Legacy…letting your vision and values align…

 Discovering Your Money Money | Living Your Legacy | Determining Your Philanthropic Values

Emily Scott, Emily Scott AND

emily@emilyscottand.com | 415-609-1900 | emilyscottand.com

Unleash the Power of Vulnerability

"I have never heard a person speak with such vulnerability at a business conference as you just were." Really? Moi? My presentation at a national conference of financial and philanthropic professionals carried the title, "What Was and What Will Be: A Client in Transition." I presented case studies, mine included, to illustrate the best and worst practices of advisors' vis-a-vis the retention of clients. The audience learned that while  some professionals recognized I was as much of their client as my then-husband, others dismissed me as "the wife of the client." The retelling of my experiences brought audible gasps from the audience. My frame of reference was, "I'm here to tell these people what it is like on the client-side of the table," and if I was going to share those stories, I need to tell the truth —  you couldn't make up some of these experiences.

When many people echoed the vulnerability aspect of my speech, I was dumbfounded and asked a friend precisely what that meant. She expounded, "You talked about not just what happened to you, but how it felt. You voiced what was going on, intellectually and emotionally." The view that I am unguarded is a disconnect because my perspective is that I am sharing my truth. It is my nature to include emotions in the equation, so I didn't think this was anything new or unordinary.

I want to know how people feel, and I assume everyone is like that. In jest, one of my friends introduces me, "This is my friend, Emily. Don't ask her how she is; she'll tell you," For the record, when I ask, "How are you?" I follow it with "That's a real question."

I have come to understand that not everyone comes to vulnerability easily. Many people mask their emotions — especially when talking about their feelings regarding their wealth because it is more comfortable, more conforming, and less open to judgment. (factoid: People would rather talk about sex with their children than talk about money).

"The problem is...that you cannot selectively numb those hard feelings without numbing the other effects and emotions. When we numb those, we numb joy, numb gratitude, numb happiness, and then we are miserable and are looking for purpose and meaning." -Brene Brown

The realization that my inherent superpower, of being vulnerable, led me to a personal and professional transformation. I'm here to tell you there is power in being vulnerable.

Having been both the client and the professional, I know that vulnerability is at the crux of people's challenges. Many people don't know how to address their emotional turmoil around their wealth. Clients don't readily share their emotional sensitivities regarding their wealth or estate plan with their lawyers and advisors, which causes dilemmas or issues for these professionals. Shame and fear are what keep many people from sharing their stories.

Being Vulnerable Means Being Open to Possibilities

An investment manager referred me to his clients, a couple, who were continually battling about their financial needs and wants. After asking each of them about the state of their marriage, what they trusted and liked about each other, we established that their intentions were loving. I clarified that our conversations would occur in a safe space to encourage each of them to let down their guard. The notion of someone hearing you, alone, is a great place to start. Each of them completed my worksheets to define their individual money story and share it only with me. By detailing your money story and saying it out loud, a person can feel acceptance and understanding. When we were all back together, the couple shared their stories. By sharing, they were asking one another for recognition — to listen with empathy and without judgment. We then went over the similarities and differences with both of their stories, acknowledging the source of one another's emotions around their finances, taking down the barriers that stood between them, and reframing the conversation to one of recognizing different perspectives, options, and compromise.

Vulnerability Brings Resolution

I have come to appreciate that hiding from one's truth is more painful than accepting it. A client, anxious about his legacy and feeling emotionally misaligned with his estate plan, came to me to discuss possible revisions. Chief among his concerns was his adult children's futures, and what might transpire upon his passing. He had children with two different women with dissimilar financial capabilities. He realized that the two sets of children would have different inheritances on the maternal side, and he was not sure how to reconcile this fact in his plan. In his plan, he wanted each child to feel equally loved by him and not equate his love with the monetary inheritance they would receive from him.  

In a review of the information he had shared, the questions he pondered, and the gaps between what existed and his feelings, it was evident that he wasn't fully sharing his truth. Our conversations were the perfect opportunities for him to open up about his thoughts and feelings about his legacy. We role-played the dialogues that he could have with his family to gain further clarity. He reported back that each conversation was one of the most meaningful, loving, and informative conversations he has ever had with his children. 

From there, we were able to document the changes for his estate lawyer to facilitate the revisions needed in his estate plan.

How to Unleash the Power of Vulnerability

Recognize that your need to protect yourself is limiting you. When we know we are about to be judged, we give the least personal information because we believe we are reducing possible ammunition for others to use. How can you discover the power of vulnerability?

1. Appreciate the journey you are about to take.

The information you will learn about yourself now will enable you to move on. The fear of the unknown is the worst of it. Owning part of the outcome is vital. Vulnerability isn't happening to you; you are part of the solution and choosing to be vulnerable.

2. Know your audience.

There is space and opportunity to offer your truth. It would help if you appreciate your audience and how much they can take in and how much you can take with their reaction. By knowing your audience, you are no longer hiding when you share. Like wearing a coat in winter and walking out into the cold, you are insulated and prepared for what you might hear.

3. Test the waters.

There is a difference between vulnerability in-the-moment versus in the past. Present and past emotions are on different levels, with the former carrying a more significant sting. Tell a story from your past. You will have fewer feelings about it because it has already happened. By sharing, you will get a sense of whether someone hears what you have to say. Ask yourself, why do you want to share this information? What do you want the outcome to be? Sharing a story can help teach you adaptability and resilience. It will help to reframe your vulnerability. 

4. Bring on the power.

The fear of 'I'm not good enough' can be top of mind, opening the door for doubt and fear. You have to be prepared to get an unwanted answer. Be resilient by believing in yourself in the face of a challenge. Your wellbeing is not dependent on the response. Learn to be more adaptable by embracing vulnerability, having courage, and "a willingness to do something when there are no guarantees." If people can adapt, they can resource their strengths and find power in vulnerability. 

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I explain my professional foundation with the following: Vulnerability is a strength. I believe that people want to matter, be seen, and be heard. Our conversations are confidential and free of judgment.  I also come to the conversation curious, which allows me to listen differently and more deeply. This core philosophy encourages trust, which opens the door to a far more emotional conversation about money — where the magic of vulnerability transpires and eventually leads to clarity and peace of mind.

Not Temporary and Not Shelter

Photo Credit - Emily Scott

Last month, I traveled to El Paso (Texas) and Juarez (Mexico) to bear witness to the humanitarian crisis that continues to unfold and to volunteer with respite centers helping the migrants and asylum seekers.

When we hear of a child in a juvenile detention center, we wonder what was their crime — what did he/she do to be placed in detention? Right now, there are nearly 14,000 children in detention centers and shelters throughout this nation for crimes they did not commit. Either the children came to the United States with their parents who are legally seeking asylum and refuge from their homeland (which is not a crime) or were sent here for safety by loving and fearful parents. They did nothing wrong. Nor did their parents.

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

Not fake news. How I wish it was.

One of these facilities is in Tornillo Texas. Tornillo is in the middle of nowhere and far from residential or industrial areas so Americans don’t have to see it in their daily lives. As there is no public transport to Tornillo, unless you can afford your own car or a hired car, you cannot get (or leave) there.

On October 27th, we attended a peaceful protest rally outside the Tornillo confinements.

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

Our government calls it a tent city or a camp. I went to summer camp. This is not a camp. This is a prison for innocent children. Tornillo was deemed a temporary shelter for only 30 days for a few hundred children. That is a lie. It has been operational for far longer and it has grown five-fold in size, now able to hold thousands of children indefinitely. Which it does.

How do the children get here? Those in the know, those who have not blindly turned this page of our history and who have borne witness have described the trucks of children coming in the night. From where do they come?

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

Ashley (a self-proclaimed Radical Social Worker) writes, “Children are taken in the middle of the night from licensed facilities and foster homes with operational and child welfare guidelines including education and adequate access to legal assistance, and moved to the tent city in Tornillo, with very little oversight, and little to no access to education and legal assistance. We have a situation where what was intended to be a shelter for a few hundred unaccompanied children to be operational for 30 days, is now a child prison, with little oversight and indefinite sentences.”

When we arrive, we are told that we cannot visit inside the facility. We are told that ICE is being “protective of their privacy.” That is fake news. How easy it is to dismiss nameless and faceless children. How easy to move on to the next topic of the day. Not so easy when you see sobbing children with fear in their eyes. Our tears shed as we thought of the children. Although we could not see them behind the stone and barbed wire walls, we knew the loneliness and despair and thus, the anguish and cruelty they were experiencing as we rallied to reunite and free their families.

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

The same language and the same tactics were used by the Nazis. Moving people in the middle of the night. Mothers being told that their children were being taken to get showers. Building their factories for human obliteration far from the public eye. Calling these buildings simply “camps.” The list goes on. My father’s family in Czechoslovakia never thought it could happen to them. Yet it did. We know it did. This is not fake news. How I wish it was.

If I am not reaching your heart with this destruction of humanity in the making, then perhaps I can reach your wallet. Tornillo costs the taxpayers/government approximately $100 million a month to run. Certainly, a significant portion of the cost is for personnel. Other costs include water trucks brought in repeatedly during the day to provide clean water and take the dirty water out. Electricity is insufficiently provided by generators. The great businessman that Agent Orange is (now that’s fake news) advocates that this is a scalable model for immigrant detention. $100 million monthly for 1 single, make-shift “temporary” facility.

The current administration created this humanitarian crisis of unaccompanied, entirely vulnerable migrant children through unlawful and forced family separation. There are confirmed abuses and even more allegations. We are talking about innocent children…the scars — emotional, mental, physical — are unfathomable and yet they must be owned by all of us who allow this to happen.

It is happening yet again. I was brought up with the mantra, “Never forget, never let it happen again.” This I was told as I learned about the murders of my paternal family at Nazi concentration camps. As I said in the Congo, as I said in Lesvos, Greece, as I said when I bore witness and volunteered in other parts of the world, it is happening again. So why the silence? And it is happening not on other continents, not in other countries; it is happening right here on American soil, in our own country.

How many times has this happened in the short time our country has been in existence? We have discriminated against people of color since our nation’s beginning. As other examples, we attacked the Native Americans (completely decimating their way of life), the Catholics, the Irish, the Italians, the Japanese (forcing hundreds of thousands living in the U.S. into internment camps), then the Jews, then the Muslims, and now people of the Americas from the south seeking asylum here.

Who is next? Your group? Will you then scream into the wind, “This is not fake news?”

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

How you can help

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

Does Your Philanthropy Represent Who You Are?

                                                                                                                                                      Photo Credit: Emily Scott

“Wonder is the beginning of wisdom” - Socrates

A few weeks ago, I attended the AiP conference (Advisors in Philanthropy) for business professionals engaged in various philanthropic advisory practices.  For two days, I was among others in the space in which I now live – helping people engage in philanthropy. I was surprised by two things: the research data that shows this conversation isn’t happening as much as clients want it to happen, and the many professionals who don’t know how to initiate the conversation, let alone have it in greater length.  Given that my work is all about the conversation and collaborating with exactly the type of professionals assembled in the room, I couldn’t give my card out fast enough.

Do any of the following key findings resonate with you?

The 2016 U.S.Trust Study of High Net Worth Philanthropy key findings include:

• In 2016 59% of the general US population donated to charity.

• 91% of high net worth households donated to charity.

• While 83% of wealthy donors plan to increase their giving, women, African Americans, and younger individuals are likely to give even more in the future.

• 50% of wealthy individuals volunteered their time and talent to charitable organizations.

• The number one challenge to charitable giving was “Identifying what I care about and deciding what to donate to.”

• There is a high correlation between charitable giving and knowledge levels.

• While there is a strong desire to engage next generations, few do (28%).

And my favorite statistics:  

34% of affluent individuals want to have THE VALUES conversations at the first meeting with you and 90% agree it should occur within the first several meetings.

In reality, according to a 2013 study by TPI/US, clients felt that advisors brought up the subject only 17% of the time.

Why my favorites?  This is exactly what ES-Power of And is all about.  Who are you and how does your philanthropy represent who you are.  It is not surprising that people give more when they are knowledgeable.  I would add that people would give even more if they tapped into what was personally important to them.

So, how does this conversation happen?

Start with the premise of “coming to the conversation curious.” As I often say, when you approach a conversation with complete openness, it allows for more information to flow.  

Asking high gain questions results in more feelings and thoughts to emerge.

Spend the time in dialog around values, principles, priorities, passions.  

What is heart based? What is intellectually interesting?  What in your life, your ancestry, your future generations are important to you? Do you have an affinity for certain areas of interest? Do you feel grateful to anything or anyone in particular?

What motivates you? What is your time horizon? How do you want to interact with others?

Notice something?  Not one of the above questions relates to “how much money do you want to give?” My premise is that until you spend the time learning about your passions, values, interests, etc., donating your treasure, time, and talent will not be fulfilling.  Given that being philanthropic is 100% choice – you don’t “have” to be charitable -  why have it be anything but meaningful to you?

I describe this as your personal Venn diagram. When you combine your values/principles, your passions, with data and information, the intersection of the three is your personal Venn diagram.  

My own work 14 years ago is an illustration.  My passions included seemingly disparate areas – disadvantaged youth, empowering women and girls, and animal welfare.  As I thought deeply about my values and principles, the concept of resilience emerged.  As I looked at my three passions, the common thread was the resiliency in each of these areas.  From there, I spent a great deal of time learning about the areas, understanding more of the problems, and how I could participate and/or make an impact.  

Take the journey to discover what is deep within you.  After your exploration, think about how you want to invest your time, treasure, and talent.  What is the best way for you to show up in the world?

What to do When Someone Asks for Your Time and Talent

                                                    Mindful | Photo Credit: Emily Scott

You are a busy person.  You juggle so many balls in the air, you could join a circus with your prowess. You are highly networked. You are also a philanthropist. You advocate for causes important to you. YOU are exactly the person I would ask to join my board if I was a nonprofit.

Why?  I believe, if you want to get things done, ask a busy person to do them.  If that person has learned to say “no,” and says “yes” to you, you can be almost certain it will get done. Combine that with their vast assembly of people and financial contribution to the nonprofit world, and they will be the winning combination of time, talent, and treasure. 

It’s cringe-worthy to think of my early board experiences.  I joined several boards for the wrong reasons (a large donation, a friend asked, my ex-husband insisted, perceived prominence, etc.).  I didn’t do my due diligence to learn the board dynamics, governance policies, fiduciary responsibilities, and so on.  In two cases, I didn’t even sit down with the Executive Director or Board Chair to see if my passion aligned with the organization’s mission.  Talk about learning lessons the hard way!

So, just how do thoughtful, smart, savvy philanthropists say “no” when asked to share their time and talents in the nonprofit world?

“I say no for the use of my time and talent just as I say no when it comes to my donations.  If I don’t have robust passion for the mission, I express my appreciation for being asked, and decline because they deserve someone on their board who will be enthusiastic about their mission.”
 
“A board role is a job and I treat the initial process as I would if it was a paying job.  I interview them, they interview me.  I ask to sit in on some committee or full board meetings when possible, before making the decision. If it isn’t a good fit, they know it and I know it.  ‘No’ becomes a nonevent.”
 
“If I am not prepared to fully extend myself - talk about the organization with everyone I know, ask others for funding, serve on committees, etc. – then I am letting myself and the organization down.  I would rather know that upfront and am very honest with myself and with them about why I am saying ‘no.’”
 
“I'm very clear about boards at this point in that I don't want to be on another... possibly ever.  Time is dear, and I have less bandwidth than I used to.  ‘Bandwidth’ has become one of my favorite words.”
 
“In the early days of my philanthropy, I was afraid that if I didn't say "yes" that I would not be asked again and that everything would pass me by.  I guess I suffered from FOMOphobia (FOMO is Fear Of Missing Out - I know, that phobia means "fear of", but there was a lot of fear).  Over time, I learned that just because you decline an "opportunity" today, doesn't mean that it won't come back tomorrow (sometimes with greater force).”
 
“I choose to significantly participate with organizations where I believe in the cause, that is a good steward of resources, and where I can make a difference.  This consumes 75% of my giving, I will be on their Boards, and use my skillset to advance their missions.  If any of these objectives aren’t met, I say no easily.”
 
“I prioritize my family responsibilities and that is the point from which I decline. I wish them well, say no and then feel guilty.”

In his book, Essentialism, The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, Greg McKeown writes, “Make your peace with the fact that saying “no” often requires trading popularity for respect.” He continues with, “…when someone asks for something and doesn’t get it, his or her immediate reaction may be annoyance or disappointment or even anger.  This downside is clear.  The potential upside, however, is less obvious: when the initial annoyance or disappointment or anger wears off, the respect kicks in. When we push back effectively, it shows people that our time is highly valuable.”

I now have close to 25 years of nonprofit board experience.  I have discovered whether an organization wants my treasure only or the trifecta of what I can bring to the table.  I know what I am capable of and what more I need to learn. Saying “no” has saved time and a misuse of resources on both sides.  It keeps the door open for an organization to find a better fit to accomplish their mission, and it keeps the door open for me to associate with an organization whose mission aligns with my passion.