The Value of Mindfulness

                                                                                                                                                                            Photo Credit: Emily Scott

The tagline of my business is “Your values, vision, and money,” which makes the first question I ask my clients natural and obvious: “What are your values?”  Ah, you say, what do you mean by values? Values are the fundamental beliefs a person holds, which can serve as a guiding force in one’s life. I’m with the many gurus and philosophers who believe that knowing your values and acting in concert with them is key to happiness and success.

A key piece of the work we do together, my clients and I, is to evaluate whether their values and priorities are reflected in their legacy planning, philanthropy, and spending.  For instance, if they claim to value the environment, are they donating to nonprofits specifically focused on any of the environmental issues such as land use, water, forestry, or global warming? Simply put, is their inner life brought forth in their outer life; that’s the question. This alignment is what we curate and as their thought partner, I strive to help them achieve this objective. Here’s the big take home point:  We create mental conflict for ourselves when our values and our actions are in opposition.

Recently, someone asked the same question of me. It’s all well and good that I spend my days exploring values, but what are mine?

Ten years ago, I wrote out my values list. Curious, I went back to see if my values had remained the same and indeed they had.  I believe that values can change over time as we grow, gain experience, and learn.    That being said, I continue to work on the alignment between my values and my daily life. I think that job is never really done. I thought I might share what I rediscovered on that long-forgotten list.

The first value I wrote is mindfulness.

I chuckle at the memory. When I wrote this list, which I did in conjunction with my husband (now ex), he’d written in that very slot, “Strive for perfection, go for the gusto, be the best you can be.”   

When we compared our lists, this glaring difference seemed to explain a source of conflict. We approached decision making very differently, and because of this, we often butted heads.  At the time, we came to appreciate that, by combining these different values and perspectives, we were capable of making much better decisions. That is, if we were willing to be patient with each other’s approach.  I remember thinking, “Well, that’s mindfulness at work right there!”

Mindfulness also played a role in how I thought (and still think) about spending.  While my ex-husband’s normal response was “We can afford it,” I would say, “Is this how we want to spend our money?” We were fortunate in that our disposable income allowed for luxuries, the kind that far too many couldn’t even consider.  Yet, I grew up with a depression-era mother who instilled in me the value of being mindful about spending.  She helped me understand the tradeoffs and choices, for example, whether to save money for a special occasion or spend my allowance on something that would give me immediate satisfaction.  

How is mindfulness reflected in my daily life now? In some ways, it’s a subtle undercurrent, and in other ways, overt.  The subtle ways I would call part of my personality; I’m in my head a lot and think longer about an issue, a situation, a plan, a friend, a blog than probably anyone should.  It is with conscious mindfulness (the more overt variety) that I keep track of and acknowledge my friends’ important events, for I want them to know their importance to me.

Between subtle and overt is the “in general” course of action. Often, my approach to a problem is to reflect, think of different scenarios, ask others for their perspective, and to gather data.  Mindful, to me, is the opposite of impetuous, reactive.  It’s much more about going in, exploring how an idea sits with me, what it requires of me, and others. Of course, there are times when my gut instinct has the easy and obvious answer.  And, unfortunately, there are still too many instances where my knee jerk reaction is what I act on; rarely is that outcome good.  

My observation – which perhaps you share as well – is that rash action is the antithesis of mindfulness.    Those rash actions, those are the ones that get us into trouble, that derail us, that get us thrown completely off course. One day we wake up, and we don’t know how we got where we are.

The very conscious, or overt, acts of mindfulness are the best parts of me.  Taking this value and acting on it in my daily life has proven, time and time again, to bring me joy.  

I often talk about “coming to the conversation curious,” the idea being that when you approach something with an open mind, the amount of information, understanding, and enlightenment you are rewarded with is off the charts.  When you come to the conversation curious, that’s when you truly connect. I will say that when I practice what I preach, the outcome is full abundance. Still a work in progress, I make it a point—I’m married to the concept--of coming to the conversation mindful, curious; open to the possibilities, the choices. When I betray this value, nothing good comes of it. I find myself dissatisfied.

Perhaps this struggle of merging my inner life with my outer life is why I admire people who have found alignment between the two.  I think of Dr. Denis Mukwege in the Democratic Republic of Congo, a man I call my Ghandi.  His deep value of holding precious the human life has had him working tirelessly for over 20 years, mending thousands of women and girls who’ve been brutally raped and tortured.  His eyes are bloodshot, his body shows signs of fatigue, his heart and soul are scarred by what he has witnessed. He has survived death threats and attacks and he is now unable to come and go as he pleases.  Yet, even with the many sacrifices, he has found deep satisfaction and joy because he has never wavered from his values.

When we think of someone who has his/her act together or seems so grounded, is he/she displaying the alignment of values and behaviors?  Is that what resonates with us? When we think of our heroes, of the people we deeply respect and want to emulate, is part of that the ideal that they “walk their talk?” Is that what we’re after?  For me, I would say yes.  

You don’t get there without carefully considering your values and living by them.

Does Your Philanthropy Represent Who You Are?

                                                                                                                                                      Photo Credit: Emily Scott

“Wonder is the beginning of wisdom” - Socrates

A few weeks ago, I attended the AiP conference (Advisors in Philanthropy) for business professionals engaged in various philanthropic advisory practices.  For two days, I was among others in the space in which I now live – helping people engage in philanthropy. I was surprised by two things: the research data that shows this conversation isn’t happening as much as clients want it to happen, and the many professionals who don’t know how to initiate the conversation, let alone have it in greater length.  Given that my work is all about the conversation and collaborating with exactly the type of professionals assembled in the room, I couldn’t give my card out fast enough.

Do any of the following key findings resonate with you?

The 2016 U.S.Trust Study of High Net Worth Philanthropy key findings include:

• In 2016 59% of the general US population donated to charity.

• 91% of high net worth households donated to charity.

• While 83% of wealthy donors plan to increase their giving, women, African Americans, and younger individuals are likely to give even more in the future.

• 50% of wealthy individuals volunteered their time and talent to charitable organizations.

• The number one challenge to charitable giving was “Identifying what I care about and deciding what to donate to.”

• There is a high correlation between charitable giving and knowledge levels.

• While there is a strong desire to engage next generations, few do (28%).

And my favorite statistics:  

34% of affluent individuals want to have THE VALUES conversations at the first meeting with you and 90% agree it should occur within the first several meetings.

In reality, according to a 2013 study by TPI/US, clients felt that advisors brought up the subject only 17% of the time.

Why my favorites?  This is exactly what ES-Power of And is all about.  Who are you and how does your philanthropy represent who you are.  It is not surprising that people give more when they are knowledgeable.  I would add that people would give even more if they tapped into what was personally important to them.

So, how does this conversation happen?

Start with the premise of “coming to the conversation curious.” As I often say, when you approach a conversation with complete openness, it allows for more information to flow.  

Asking high gain questions results in more feelings and thoughts to emerge.

Spend the time in dialog around values, principles, priorities, passions.  

What is heart based? What is intellectually interesting?  What in your life, your ancestry, your future generations are important to you? Do you have an affinity for certain areas of interest? Do you feel grateful to anything or anyone in particular?

What motivates you? What is your time horizon? How do you want to interact with others?

Notice something?  Not one of the above questions relates to “how much money do you want to give?” My premise is that until you spend the time learning about your passions, values, interests, etc., donating your treasure, time, and talent will not be fulfilling.  Given that being philanthropic is 100% choice – you don’t “have” to be charitable -  why have it be anything but meaningful to you?

I describe this as your personal Venn diagram. When you combine your values/principles, your passions, with data and information, the intersection of the three is your personal Venn diagram.  

My own work 14 years ago is an illustration.  My passions included seemingly disparate areas – disadvantaged youth, empowering women and girls, and animal welfare.  As I thought deeply about my values and principles, the concept of resilience emerged.  As I looked at my three passions, the common thread was the resiliency in each of these areas.  From there, I spent a great deal of time learning about the areas, understanding more of the problems, and how I could participate and/or make an impact.  

Take the journey to discover what is deep within you.  After your exploration, think about how you want to invest your time, treasure, and talent.  What is the best way for you to show up in the world?

What to do When Someone Asks for Your Time and Talent

                                                    Mindful | Photo Credit: Emily Scott

You are a busy person.  You juggle so many balls in the air, you could join a circus with your prowess. You are highly networked. You are also a philanthropist. You advocate for causes important to you. YOU are exactly the person I would ask to join my board if I was a nonprofit.

Why?  I believe, if you want to get things done, ask a busy person to do them.  If that person has learned to say “no,” and says “yes” to you, you can be almost certain it will get done. Combine that with their vast assembly of people and financial contribution to the nonprofit world, and they will be the winning combination of time, talent, and treasure. 

It’s cringe-worthy to think of my early board experiences.  I joined several boards for the wrong reasons (a large donation, a friend asked, my ex-husband insisted, perceived prominence, etc.).  I didn’t do my due diligence to learn the board dynamics, governance policies, fiduciary responsibilities, and so on.  In two cases, I didn’t even sit down with the Executive Director or Board Chair to see if my passion aligned with the organization’s mission.  Talk about learning lessons the hard way!

So, just how do thoughtful, smart, savvy philanthropists say “no” when asked to share their time and talents in the nonprofit world?

“I say no for the use of my time and talent just as I say no when it comes to my donations.  If I don’t have robust passion for the mission, I express my appreciation for being asked, and decline because they deserve someone on their board who will be enthusiastic about their mission.”
 
“A board role is a job and I treat the initial process as I would if it was a paying job.  I interview them, they interview me.  I ask to sit in on some committee or full board meetings when possible, before making the decision. If it isn’t a good fit, they know it and I know it.  ‘No’ becomes a nonevent.”
 
“If I am not prepared to fully extend myself - talk about the organization with everyone I know, ask others for funding, serve on committees, etc. – then I am letting myself and the organization down.  I would rather know that upfront and am very honest with myself and with them about why I am saying ‘no.’”
 
“I'm very clear about boards at this point in that I don't want to be on another... possibly ever.  Time is dear, and I have less bandwidth than I used to.  ‘Bandwidth’ has become one of my favorite words.”
 
“In the early days of my philanthropy, I was afraid that if I didn't say "yes" that I would not be asked again and that everything would pass me by.  I guess I suffered from FOMOphobia (FOMO is Fear Of Missing Out - I know, that phobia means "fear of", but there was a lot of fear).  Over time, I learned that just because you decline an "opportunity" today, doesn't mean that it won't come back tomorrow (sometimes with greater force).”
 
“I choose to significantly participate with organizations where I believe in the cause, that is a good steward of resources, and where I can make a difference.  This consumes 75% of my giving, I will be on their Boards, and use my skillset to advance their missions.  If any of these objectives aren’t met, I say no easily.”
 
“I prioritize my family responsibilities and that is the point from which I decline. I wish them well, say no and then feel guilty.”

In his book, Essentialism, The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, Greg McKeown writes, “Make your peace with the fact that saying “no” often requires trading popularity for respect.” He continues with, “…when someone asks for something and doesn’t get it, his or her immediate reaction may be annoyance or disappointment or even anger.  This downside is clear.  The potential upside, however, is less obvious: when the initial annoyance or disappointment or anger wears off, the respect kicks in. When we push back effectively, it shows people that our time is highly valuable.”

I now have close to 25 years of nonprofit board experience.  I have discovered whether an organization wants my treasure only or the trifecta of what I can bring to the table.  I know what I am capable of and what more I need to learn. Saying “no” has saved time and a misuse of resources on both sides.  It keeps the door open for an organization to find a better fit to accomplish their mission, and it keeps the door open for me to associate with an organization whose mission aligns with my passion.

To Give or Not To Give: How to Say No when Asked for a Donation

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

When asked what one of the bigger personal challenges a philanthropist faces, the answer often is “saying no when asked for funding, board participation, or a time commitment.”  At The Philanthropy Workshop, where I am an alumna, we refer to this as the investment of our time, treasure, and talent. 
 
I wrestled – and still do – with the donation question, especially when a friend is making the request.  I have made huge mistakes, have had unrealistic expectations, and have learned some of the lessons the hard way.  When I was President of our family foundation, the very first thing our new Executive Director said to me was, “I am here to say “no” for you so you don’t have to,” which provided instant relief for me, and some degree of job security for her!
 
As one would expect, there are multiple ways to decline a contribution request.

Here are a few insights of some wise, caring, thoughtful philanthropists: 

• "I have an allocation portfolio for my charitable giving.  Whenever a friend or family member asks for a donation to something which isn’t in my portfolio, I always give a little as I want to be supportive.  Due to my funding constraints, I rarely give the full amount that is asked.  I include an explanation, such as, “You are very important to me and I respect that this cause is important to you.  I appreciate that you believe this is a worthwhile organization and I trust you. While it is not my passion, I want to be supportive of your efforts.  I have money set aside for just this reason. I cannot give you the full amount as I want to be there for others in similar situations.  Thank you for asking me to contribute."

• “I now say, ‘I'd love to, but I can't.’  It has the virtue of being true, being respectful, honoring the request, and setting a good boundary. I have found that it is as much a gift to the asker -- whether it be a development person, a friend, a board member -- to be clear and not squishy.  This is hard.  Some of us need to please, and this helps no one, least of all ourselves.” 

• “The donation ask is the hardest for me because we all have plenty of resources.  I have sort of a baseline contribution I will make in honor of friends.  Beyond that, when asked for something that takes me off task, I'll generally use language such as ‘We're fully committed’ or ‘We're stretched pretty thin’ or ‘I can't take this on, but I wish you the best of luck.’”  

• “I always try to remember and start with the dubiously attributed Mark Twain quote: ‘If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.’” 

• “We set aside a very small proportion of funds to accommodate unexpected requests to support ‘friends and furries.’ Since we set the rules for this process, we can always bend them, but this structure makes it easier for us to decline a request using language like ‘we are committed for this year, but tell me more so we can consider this for next year…’” 

• “I have 3 categories for my philanthropy and the third category is friends and family.  This category consumes 5-10% of my overall giving.  We lay out the budget in January and track against it so I can’t give if we are fully committed.  If a really good friend asks for $10, I give $2.  I used to fret about saying no but I’ve found that, while they may be disappointed, the friendships endure if you are authentic and responsive.”

 
In his book, Essentialism, The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, Greg McKeown writes, “Remember that a clear “no” can be more graceful than a vague or noncommittal “yes.” He adds, “Being vague is not the same as being graceful, and delaying the eventual “no” will only make it that much harder – and the recipient that much more resentful.”

A note to acknowledge the other side – the ask.  Given my extensive list of passions, I could easily ask my network for a donation to a different organization every day of the year.  I have vetted each nonprofit and know that they are of value to the area of need in which they operate.  When I was told “no,” I used to think “how can you possibly say no, don’t you care about ___?”  It took me a long time to recognize that my passion is MY passion and simply may not resonate with others.  Combine that with financial constraints, donation fatigue, etc. I now have more compassion and appreciation for those who decline my request. 
 
Hopefully, I never get used to saying “no.”  Supporting the people in my life is one of my core principles.  My showing up with curiosity, authenticity, empathy, mindful intention, and gratitude needs to be consistent.  It is what I want when the roles are reversed.
 
I do know that I would rather hear “no” then hear nothing.  Silence is not always golden. 

Noise and Clutter

©EmilyScott

Lately, I have been talking about the noise and clutter that exists in the world and its distraction from what we need/want to pay attention to.  The ruse of loudness and the promise of possessions has let our eyes and minds veer from our priorities.

I have a vivid memory of my mother standing in the doorway of my teenage-trinket-troll-laden bedroom asking, “how can you think in all this clutter?”   She was right, my mind wandered and my eyes surveyed not the homework I was to focus on but on the ‘stuff’ that surrounded me.

Recently a dear friend, Alan Storey, who describes himself as a gospel story teller, said in his Sunday sermon, “the devil is the cacophony of noises within ourselves.”  He went on to explain that the word devil in Greek means deceiver and that we are wrestling within ourselves for the truth.  

People who can jump from “point A” to “point Z” faster than the rest of us have always impressed me.  Those who can laser focus on the details that are important to move towards a solution, for example, and ignore the clutter of unnecessary information.  Those who can read the math test questions that are story problems and quickly determine the needed facts to arrive at the answer while the rest of us consider how many people are sitting on the train.

For adults with disposable income, the opportunity to attract and attain noise and clutter is even greater.  For many of us, we race to yoga and meditative practices for mindfulness and health, which seems to be somewhat paradoxical.
 
Years ago, a friend and I were shopping and she found a sweater she liked. When she asked, “do I really need this, “my response was, “we passed need a long time ago.”

When you don’t ‘need’ to do something – create a budget for example – what compels you to act?  I would offer that perhaps the need is not for the obvious, determining how your money is spent, but to quiet some of your own noise and clutter.

Given my work, I thought about this in terms of what I facilitate for clients and what I hear from them.  Nobody wants to spend money foolishly, at least no one I have met.  The reluctance of balancing statements, creating budgets, financial planning/learning comes from another place.   I know very smart people whose eyes cross when I ask about balancing their checkbook.  Yet these same people have told me that they, too, have a fear of running out of money.  

The lack of understanding your financial picture, when that unknowing weighs on your mind, generates excess noise in your life.  Our inner bag lady feasts on noise and clutter as she spins the wheels in our heads.

Between my tinnitus and my bag lady, I have way too much noise in my head; even before the rest of the world descends upon me!

Multi-Messages | Photo credit: Emily Scott

How often have you walked into a grocery store without a list, roamed the aisles, and walked out with more items than you expected to buy. Creating a budget, reconciling your accounts is very much like creating your shopping list.  You allow yourself the time to think about what you want and need.  You check your pantry for what you already have and what is almost gone or is already missing.

On some level, it is not more complicated than that.  In the quest to declutter and quiet, I offer some helpful ways to reconcile wants versus needs, and reduce the bag lady volume: 

• Invest in a program that can track your spending and your accounts (ex. Quicken, MINT). For a small fee, you can begin to create a history of how you spend money.  If you want to go old school, keep a spending journal.  

• Ask yourself - without judgement - do you “want” or “need” whatever you are buying?  If it is in the want category, ask if you really want it.  If your answer is an emphatic yes, go for it (assuming you can afford it)!  If your answer is not as confident, give yourself the luxury of time to think about whether or not you want to purchase.

• Think about your values and if the way you are spending your wealth is in concert with them.  

• Are your financial platforms and spending habits sustainable? An accountant or financial planner can help forecast your financial life plan.

• Take a look at your account statements.  Financial institutions keep modifying their statements to make them easier to read and understand.  Statements are a synopsis of your finances.  Knowledge is a wonderful thing!

• BREATH.  I know, sounds easy.  It is amazing how shallow our breath becomes when the noises get loud.