Identifying Your Emotions Around Your Money Can Bring You Peace

For many people, when the pandemic and shelter in place dramatically changed our personal and professional lives, their general anxieties about financial security shot to the sky. As someone who has "bag lady syndrome," I was surprised that I didn't crawl under my bed and assume a fetal position. The hypothetical scenario of the world coming to an end was something I imagined for years. But I didn't hide, and I will circle back to why in a few paragraphs.

The reality is that no one can predict when the economy will rebound, and very few, if any, are suggesting anytime soon. For now, people will, understandably so, continue to be worried about their financial future.

The subject of money and anxiety is so topical that the New York Times writer, Paul Sullivan, recently wrote about people turning to financial therapists for help.  He states, "financial therapists have advanced degrees in psychology or clinical social work." He neglected to mention the few of us who, with a financial services background, empathic listening skills, and practical experience, have already unearthed the value of blending the technical and the human side of money — that doing so is an act of financial therapy in itself. 

The human side of money is a relevant topic every single day.

My work with clients to identify their emotional relationship as it relates to their money and their future has confirmed my perspective that wealth is profoundly personal and carries a complex set of feelings and thoughts. By working together to uncover the client's money stories, I can guide my clients, define objectives, navigate challenges, set goals, and help them to feel better about their financial future. For those clients in personal relationships, through learning about their own and each other's money narratives, communications are enhanced as the recognition of differences and similarities come to light. This is especially true now, as we live in such a heightened state of vulnerability, unknown, and concern.

The participants in "Your Money Story" workshops and seminars that I conduct review their backgrounds with the lens focused on implicit and explicit messages from childhood to adulthood. Moving from past to present, the revelations of how those earlier messages manifest into beliefs, thoughts, and actions surface. With that new-found information, each cohort member can reframe their money attitudes and perceptions to create a plan that resonates with who they are.

As promised, the big reveal as to why I am still standing versus curled up under a rock is because I know my money story. I can tell you firsthand that it's a liberating process to have gone through. I am aware of why I have bag lady syndrome because of the messages I received as a child of a refugee father, a depression-era mother, and of their failed marriage, which dramatically changed my mother's financial situation. I appreciate that the need to understand and protect my financial resources caused me to be very risk-aware — aware being the operative word — which, in turn, caused me to ask many questions for every investment my ex-husband wanted to make. I do admit I am curious about almost everything and frequently want more information.  

Knowing my money story lowered the influence my bag lady syndrome has in my life; she is now only a member of my internal committee, not the chairperson. My recognition of my triggers and fears moved me to calmly call my financial advisor and ask for a cash reserve with a longer time horizon. This move enabled me to continue to focus on what is important to me; acts of service, working with clients, being a loving partner, friend, and caretaker. This mind shift was such a dramatic departure from what she and I expected from me, that I joked with her that my measured response might have been too shocking for her. Read my money story here. 

"The universe is made of stories, not of atoms." – Muriel Rukeyser

Our money story is an emotional expression. We all have a money story that influences our beliefs and the choices we make. What we can't recognize, we can't change. Now is an ideal time to put your money story into perspective, to identify what is important to you as it relates to your assets, and to put your money story to work for you. It is essential that you know it to have the connectivity between your vision, values, and money.

What to do When Someone Asks for Your Time and Talent

                                                    Mindful | Photo Credit: Emily Scott

You are a busy person.  You juggle so many balls in the air, you could join a circus with your prowess. You are highly networked. You are also a philanthropist. You advocate for causes important to you. YOU are exactly the person I would ask to join my board if I was a nonprofit.

Why?  I believe, if you want to get things done, ask a busy person to do them.  If that person has learned to say “no,” and says “yes” to you, you can be almost certain it will get done. Combine that with their vast assembly of people and financial contribution to the nonprofit world, and they will be the winning combination of time, talent, and treasure. 

It’s cringe-worthy to think of my early board experiences.  I joined several boards for the wrong reasons (a large donation, a friend asked, my ex-husband insisted, perceived prominence, etc.).  I didn’t do my due diligence to learn the board dynamics, governance policies, fiduciary responsibilities, and so on.  In two cases, I didn’t even sit down with the Executive Director or Board Chair to see if my passion aligned with the organization’s mission.  Talk about learning lessons the hard way!

So, just how do thoughtful, smart, savvy philanthropists say “no” when asked to share their time and talents in the nonprofit world?

“I say no for the use of my time and talent just as I say no when it comes to my donations.  If I don’t have robust passion for the mission, I express my appreciation for being asked, and decline because they deserve someone on their board who will be enthusiastic about their mission.”
 
“A board role is a job and I treat the initial process as I would if it was a paying job.  I interview them, they interview me.  I ask to sit in on some committee or full board meetings when possible, before making the decision. If it isn’t a good fit, they know it and I know it.  ‘No’ becomes a nonevent.”
 
“If I am not prepared to fully extend myself - talk about the organization with everyone I know, ask others for funding, serve on committees, etc. – then I am letting myself and the organization down.  I would rather know that upfront and am very honest with myself and with them about why I am saying ‘no.’”
 
“I'm very clear about boards at this point in that I don't want to be on another... possibly ever.  Time is dear, and I have less bandwidth than I used to.  ‘Bandwidth’ has become one of my favorite words.”
 
“In the early days of my philanthropy, I was afraid that if I didn't say "yes" that I would not be asked again and that everything would pass me by.  I guess I suffered from FOMOphobia (FOMO is Fear Of Missing Out - I know, that phobia means "fear of", but there was a lot of fear).  Over time, I learned that just because you decline an "opportunity" today, doesn't mean that it won't come back tomorrow (sometimes with greater force).”
 
“I choose to significantly participate with organizations where I believe in the cause, that is a good steward of resources, and where I can make a difference.  This consumes 75% of my giving, I will be on their Boards, and use my skillset to advance their missions.  If any of these objectives aren’t met, I say no easily.”
 
“I prioritize my family responsibilities and that is the point from which I decline. I wish them well, say no and then feel guilty.”

In his book, Essentialism, The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, Greg McKeown writes, “Make your peace with the fact that saying “no” often requires trading popularity for respect.” He continues with, “…when someone asks for something and doesn’t get it, his or her immediate reaction may be annoyance or disappointment or even anger.  This downside is clear.  The potential upside, however, is less obvious: when the initial annoyance or disappointment or anger wears off, the respect kicks in. When we push back effectively, it shows people that our time is highly valuable.”

I now have close to 25 years of nonprofit board experience.  I have discovered whether an organization wants my treasure only or the trifecta of what I can bring to the table.  I know what I am capable of and what more I need to learn. Saying “no” has saved time and a misuse of resources on both sides.  It keeps the door open for an organization to find a better fit to accomplish their mission, and it keeps the door open for me to associate with an organization whose mission aligns with my passion.

What is Your Legacy?

The Iconic Golden Gate Bridge \ Photo by Emily Scott

We lost many iconic figures in 2016 – the list seems longer than usual.  The fact that I am on the tail-end of middle age and thus aware of more famous people has something to do with my perception.  While many of the deceased crossed generational boundaries, Carrie Fisher’s death – and her mother’s, Debbie Reynolds – seemed to be the two that hit many the hardest.  The tribute to only them on the Golden Globes illustrated the point.

The media quoted many with sentiments of shock and sadness, “I feel so old,” “I can’t believe she was so young,” “She was my age,” “Carrie was my idol for so long,” and “I am brokenhearted.” 

The passing of legendary figures hits us uniquely.  We have our own memories that are coupled with these people.  What we were doing when a song was playing, who we were with when we saw a movie, how an invention changed our lives, and how we conceived of what their lives were like. 

When the person is our age, we are reminded of our own mortality in a very public way.  When Steve Jobs passed away, his sister’s eulogy was printed in newspapers.  When Sheryl Sandberg’s husband, Dave Goldberg, unexpectedly died, she publicly communicated her sadness on Facebook in the most eloquently beautiful way. 

I remember thinking, at those times and at others, “What would be said of me when I die? Have I told every person and every organization how important they are to me?  Have I been a thoughtful communicator for the future when I am not here?” 

This led to a complete overhaul in my will and health planning.  My documents had been very buttoned up; well, as precise as they could be when the ‘time of death’ is unknown.  As practical as the paperwork was, none of it spoke to who I am and how I think and feel.  The soul searching, the inclusion of my values and intentions, dramatically changed those documents.  Now, my family, my friends, my executors, any medical personnel, and the nonprofit beneficiaries will understand what was in my brain and heart.  Expressions of gratitude for the efforts of others during my life and after my death run throughout the documents.  Personal notes have been written, items with designated receivers are noted, and recommendations for help sources are included which is a true extension of who I am given that I love to network people.  Small details are included throughout such as the care and funding for my dogs and even the music for my memorial service (along with my user id and password for my iTunes account).

My philanthropic interests are diverse and fluid.  It became obvious that I needed to give detailed instructions to my trustees on what questions to ask before sending any funds to ensure that the organizations still exist and remain true to the mission that generated my interest.  If not, I offered flexibility to research other nonprofits in the same space.  I also left room to include other organizations or causes that while I had recently become involved with I hadn’t yet revised my estate plan to indicate these new passions. 

Several questions came to mind as I worked through this – I call it the desiderata list:

• What do I want people to know about their importance in my life

• What information can I pass on to my trustees so there is little wondering, “what would Emily want” and more confidence in their own judgement

• How can I cover as much as possible and leave room for flexibility and the unknown

• Should anyone feel sad or alone, how can I comfort them without being physically present

• Am I using my worth and words to empower, encourage, explain

• What is my true legacy that describes this life journey

There is a completeness, a comfort in having done this work. My conversations with those important people and nonprofits have been more intimate, more authentic, and valuable in the present than I can possibly say. I have a high degree of confidence that the above list has been asked and answered - for now.  Of course, I still have the long list of “need to-do’s” and it is now just one item shorter. 

More importantly, I fully appreciate that my life has been an incredible journey and if it ends sooner rather than later, I have shared it all for those who need to know.