Identifying Your Emotions Around Your Money Can Bring You Peace

For many people, when the pandemic and shelter in place dramatically changed our personal and professional lives, their general anxieties about financial security shot to the sky. As someone who has "bag lady syndrome," I was surprised that I didn't crawl under my bed and assume a fetal position. The hypothetical scenario of the world coming to an end was something I imagined for years. But I didn't hide, and I will circle back to why in a few paragraphs.

The reality is that no one can predict when the economy will rebound, and very few, if any, are suggesting anytime soon. For now, people will, understandably so, continue to be worried about their financial future.

The subject of money and anxiety is so topical that the New York Times writer, Paul Sullivan, recently wrote about people turning to financial therapists for help.  He states, "financial therapists have advanced degrees in psychology or clinical social work." He neglected to mention the few of us who, with a financial services background, empathic listening skills, and practical experience, have already unearthed the value of blending the technical and the human side of money — that doing so is an act of financial therapy in itself. 

The human side of money is a relevant topic every single day.

My work with clients to identify their emotional relationship as it relates to their money and their future has confirmed my perspective that wealth is profoundly personal and carries a complex set of feelings and thoughts. By working together to uncover the client's money stories, I can guide my clients, define objectives, navigate challenges, set goals, and help them to feel better about their financial future. For those clients in personal relationships, through learning about their own and each other's money narratives, communications are enhanced as the recognition of differences and similarities come to light. This is especially true now, as we live in such a heightened state of vulnerability, unknown, and concern.

The participants in "Your Money Story" workshops and seminars that I conduct review their backgrounds with the lens focused on implicit and explicit messages from childhood to adulthood. Moving from past to present, the revelations of how those earlier messages manifest into beliefs, thoughts, and actions surface. With that new-found information, each cohort member can reframe their money attitudes and perceptions to create a plan that resonates with who they are.

As promised, the big reveal as to why I am still standing versus curled up under a rock is because I know my money story. I can tell you firsthand that it's a liberating process to have gone through. I am aware of why I have bag lady syndrome because of the messages I received as a child of a refugee father, a depression-era mother, and of their failed marriage, which dramatically changed my mother's financial situation. I appreciate that the need to understand and protect my financial resources caused me to be very risk-aware — aware being the operative word — which, in turn, caused me to ask many questions for every investment my ex-husband wanted to make. I do admit I am curious about almost everything and frequently want more information.  

Knowing my money story lowered the influence my bag lady syndrome has in my life; she is now only a member of my internal committee, not the chairperson. My recognition of my triggers and fears moved me to calmly call my financial advisor and ask for a cash reserve with a longer time horizon. This move enabled me to continue to focus on what is important to me; acts of service, working with clients, being a loving partner, friend, and caretaker. This mind shift was such a dramatic departure from what she and I expected from me, that I joked with her that my measured response might have been too shocking for her. Read my money story here. 

"The universe is made of stories, not of atoms." – Muriel Rukeyser

Our money story is an emotional expression. We all have a money story that influences our beliefs and the choices we make. What we can't recognize, we can't change. Now is an ideal time to put your money story into perspective, to identify what is important to you as it relates to your assets, and to put your money story to work for you. It is essential that you know it to have the connectivity between your vision, values, and money.

Winter Solstice Thoughts

Winter Solstice and its message of reflection and renewal ended today. I posted each day for the 4 days…what follows is the collection of the 4 brief essays:

WINTER SOLSTICE: Day One

According to Forever Conscious, “The winter solstice celebrates the longest hours of darkness or the rebirth of the sun and is believed to hold powerful energy for regeneration, renewal, and self-reflection. In Pagan times the winter solstice was referred to as Yule and was a celebration of the Goddess (Moon) energy. It was believed that on this day, the moon would give birth to the sun.”

The winter solstice is a time of quiet energy, where you get the opportunity to look within yourself and focus on what you want and need. It’s a time to set goals and intentions for the coming year, to examine and let go of our past, and to make changes within ourselves. The solstice is essentially tied to personal awakening.

Thus the journey continues with this as the next step…and my moment of self-reflection tonight? My vulnerability is more than others realize, my resiliency is more than I realize…

WINTER SOLSTICE: Day Two

Reflection…the many layers of each of our lives and how they are constantly changing…as the saying, “you can’t be in the same river twice (for the water is constantly moving)”…what layers do we reveal to ourselves and what layers do we reveal to others…willingly or not? Are we daring to peel back the layers as they get more sensitive, more vulnerable, more scarily unknown? Do we put the outer layers back on for safety, for defense, for blissful ignorance?

And…are you open to asking, “what layers serve me well — even if the service is not of a positive nature, how am I being served? And does this layer makes sense to keep or is it time for gratitude followed by removal to the past lives/experience compost bin?

How does renewal come without shedding the layers that prevent the new skin from breathing air…what am I willing to leave behind in order to move forward?

WINTER SOLSTICE: Day Three

Looking forward — what do I see? Clarity? Vagueness? Are the images defined, a blur, or something in-between?

Looking forward — what do I feel? Fear? Excitement? Angst?

Can I follow my mantra of coming to the conversation curious? Can fear of the unknown be replaced by a wonderment for the unknown? YES. A resounding YES.

“Rejections will redirect you to more exciting roads. When you think your life is falling apart, it’s usually falling together in disguise. Your search will throw you on journeys you never would have dreamt of, in your mind and in the world.” -Charlotte Ericksson

WINTER SOLSTICE: Last Day

As the winter solstice ends, we are encouraged to seek renewal, experience birth/rebirth, move on with our thoughts, our revelations, our desires. What wisdom have you found in that deep vessel that is your inner being? What more are you wanting to explore? The barriers to your dreams, intentions, and goals are the ones you allow to enter your core.

Buddha says, “Three things cannot be hidden for long, the sun, the moon, and the truth.” What is your truth? How do you want to show up in the world?

“rise

said the moon

and the new day came” ― Rupi Kaur

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Photos Credit: Emily Scott

Not Temporary and Not Shelter

Photo Credit - Emily Scott

Last month, I traveled to El Paso (Texas) and Juarez (Mexico) to bear witness to the humanitarian crisis that continues to unfold and to volunteer with respite centers helping the migrants and asylum seekers.

When we hear of a child in a juvenile detention center, we wonder what was their crime — what did he/she do to be placed in detention? Right now, there are nearly 14,000 children in detention centers and shelters throughout this nation for crimes they did not commit. Either the children came to the United States with their parents who are legally seeking asylum and refuge from their homeland (which is not a crime) or were sent here for safety by loving and fearful parents. They did nothing wrong. Nor did their parents.

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

Not fake news. How I wish it was.

One of these facilities is in Tornillo Texas. Tornillo is in the middle of nowhere and far from residential or industrial areas so Americans don’t have to see it in their daily lives. As there is no public transport to Tornillo, unless you can afford your own car or a hired car, you cannot get (or leave) there.

On October 27th, we attended a peaceful protest rally outside the Tornillo confinements.

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

Our government calls it a tent city or a camp. I went to summer camp. This is not a camp. This is a prison for innocent children. Tornillo was deemed a temporary shelter for only 30 days for a few hundred children. That is a lie. It has been operational for far longer and it has grown five-fold in size, now able to hold thousands of children indefinitely. Which it does.

How do the children get here? Those in the know, those who have not blindly turned this page of our history and who have borne witness have described the trucks of children coming in the night. From where do they come?

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

Ashley (a self-proclaimed Radical Social Worker) writes, “Children are taken in the middle of the night from licensed facilities and foster homes with operational and child welfare guidelines including education and adequate access to legal assistance, and moved to the tent city in Tornillo, with very little oversight, and little to no access to education and legal assistance. We have a situation where what was intended to be a shelter for a few hundred unaccompanied children to be operational for 30 days, is now a child prison, with little oversight and indefinite sentences.”

When we arrive, we are told that we cannot visit inside the facility. We are told that ICE is being “protective of their privacy.” That is fake news. How easy it is to dismiss nameless and faceless children. How easy to move on to the next topic of the day. Not so easy when you see sobbing children with fear in their eyes. Our tears shed as we thought of the children. Although we could not see them behind the stone and barbed wire walls, we knew the loneliness and despair and thus, the anguish and cruelty they were experiencing as we rallied to reunite and free their families.

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

The same language and the same tactics were used by the Nazis. Moving people in the middle of the night. Mothers being told that their children were being taken to get showers. Building their factories for human obliteration far from the public eye. Calling these buildings simply “camps.” The list goes on. My father’s family in Czechoslovakia never thought it could happen to them. Yet it did. We know it did. This is not fake news. How I wish it was.

If I am not reaching your heart with this destruction of humanity in the making, then perhaps I can reach your wallet. Tornillo costs the taxpayers/government approximately $100 million a month to run. Certainly, a significant portion of the cost is for personnel. Other costs include water trucks brought in repeatedly during the day to provide clean water and take the dirty water out. Electricity is insufficiently provided by generators. The great businessman that Agent Orange is (now that’s fake news) advocates that this is a scalable model for immigrant detention. $100 million monthly for 1 single, make-shift “temporary” facility.

The current administration created this humanitarian crisis of unaccompanied, entirely vulnerable migrant children through unlawful and forced family separation. There are confirmed abuses and even more allegations. We are talking about innocent children…the scars — emotional, mental, physical — are unfathomable and yet they must be owned by all of us who allow this to happen.

It is happening yet again. I was brought up with the mantra, “Never forget, never let it happen again.” This I was told as I learned about the murders of my paternal family at Nazi concentration camps. As I said in the Congo, as I said in Lesvos, Greece, as I said when I bore witness and volunteered in other parts of the world, it is happening again. So why the silence? And it is happening not on other continents, not in other countries; it is happening right here on American soil, in our own country.

How many times has this happened in the short time our country has been in existence? We have discriminated against people of color since our nation’s beginning. As other examples, we attacked the Native Americans (completely decimating their way of life), the Catholics, the Irish, the Italians, the Japanese (forcing hundreds of thousands living in the U.S. into internment camps), then the Jews, then the Muslims, and now people of the Americas from the south seeking asylum here.

Who is next? Your group? Will you then scream into the wind, “This is not fake news?”

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

How you can help

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

Does Your Philanthropy Represent Who You Are?

                                                                                                                                                      Photo Credit: Emily Scott

“Wonder is the beginning of wisdom” - Socrates

A few weeks ago, I attended the AiP conference (Advisors in Philanthropy) for business professionals engaged in various philanthropic advisory practices.  For two days, I was among others in the space in which I now live – helping people engage in philanthropy. I was surprised by two things: the research data that shows this conversation isn’t happening as much as clients want it to happen, and the many professionals who don’t know how to initiate the conversation, let alone have it in greater length.  Given that my work is all about the conversation and collaborating with exactly the type of professionals assembled in the room, I couldn’t give my card out fast enough.

Do any of the following key findings resonate with you?

The 2016 U.S.Trust Study of High Net Worth Philanthropy key findings include:

• In 2016 59% of the general US population donated to charity.

• 91% of high net worth households donated to charity.

• While 83% of wealthy donors plan to increase their giving, women, African Americans, and younger individuals are likely to give even more in the future.

• 50% of wealthy individuals volunteered their time and talent to charitable organizations.

• The number one challenge to charitable giving was “Identifying what I care about and deciding what to donate to.”

• There is a high correlation between charitable giving and knowledge levels.

• While there is a strong desire to engage next generations, few do (28%).

And my favorite statistics:  

34% of affluent individuals want to have THE VALUES conversations at the first meeting with you and 90% agree it should occur within the first several meetings.

In reality, according to a 2013 study by TPI/US, clients felt that advisors brought up the subject only 17% of the time.

Why my favorites?  This is exactly what ES-Power of And is all about.  Who are you and how does your philanthropy represent who you are.  It is not surprising that people give more when they are knowledgeable.  I would add that people would give even more if they tapped into what was personally important to them.

So, how does this conversation happen?

Start with the premise of “coming to the conversation curious.” As I often say, when you approach a conversation with complete openness, it allows for more information to flow.  

Asking high gain questions results in more feelings and thoughts to emerge.

Spend the time in dialog around values, principles, priorities, passions.  

What is heart based? What is intellectually interesting?  What in your life, your ancestry, your future generations are important to you? Do you have an affinity for certain areas of interest? Do you feel grateful to anything or anyone in particular?

What motivates you? What is your time horizon? How do you want to interact with others?

Notice something?  Not one of the above questions relates to “how much money do you want to give?” My premise is that until you spend the time learning about your passions, values, interests, etc., donating your treasure, time, and talent will not be fulfilling.  Given that being philanthropic is 100% choice – you don’t “have” to be charitable -  why have it be anything but meaningful to you?

I describe this as your personal Venn diagram. When you combine your values/principles, your passions, with data and information, the intersection of the three is your personal Venn diagram.  

My own work 14 years ago is an illustration.  My passions included seemingly disparate areas – disadvantaged youth, empowering women and girls, and animal welfare.  As I thought deeply about my values and principles, the concept of resilience emerged.  As I looked at my three passions, the common thread was the resiliency in each of these areas.  From there, I spent a great deal of time learning about the areas, understanding more of the problems, and how I could participate and/or make an impact.  

Take the journey to discover what is deep within you.  After your exploration, think about how you want to invest your time, treasure, and talent.  What is the best way for you to show up in the world?

What to do When Someone Asks for Your Time and Talent

                                                    Mindful | Photo Credit: Emily Scott

You are a busy person.  You juggle so many balls in the air, you could join a circus with your prowess. You are highly networked. You are also a philanthropist. You advocate for causes important to you. YOU are exactly the person I would ask to join my board if I was a nonprofit.

Why?  I believe, if you want to get things done, ask a busy person to do them.  If that person has learned to say “no,” and says “yes” to you, you can be almost certain it will get done. Combine that with their vast assembly of people and financial contribution to the nonprofit world, and they will be the winning combination of time, talent, and treasure. 

It’s cringe-worthy to think of my early board experiences.  I joined several boards for the wrong reasons (a large donation, a friend asked, my ex-husband insisted, perceived prominence, etc.).  I didn’t do my due diligence to learn the board dynamics, governance policies, fiduciary responsibilities, and so on.  In two cases, I didn’t even sit down with the Executive Director or Board Chair to see if my passion aligned with the organization’s mission.  Talk about learning lessons the hard way!

So, just how do thoughtful, smart, savvy philanthropists say “no” when asked to share their time and talents in the nonprofit world?

“I say no for the use of my time and talent just as I say no when it comes to my donations.  If I don’t have robust passion for the mission, I express my appreciation for being asked, and decline because they deserve someone on their board who will be enthusiastic about their mission.”
 
“A board role is a job and I treat the initial process as I would if it was a paying job.  I interview them, they interview me.  I ask to sit in on some committee or full board meetings when possible, before making the decision. If it isn’t a good fit, they know it and I know it.  ‘No’ becomes a nonevent.”
 
“If I am not prepared to fully extend myself - talk about the organization with everyone I know, ask others for funding, serve on committees, etc. – then I am letting myself and the organization down.  I would rather know that upfront and am very honest with myself and with them about why I am saying ‘no.’”
 
“I'm very clear about boards at this point in that I don't want to be on another... possibly ever.  Time is dear, and I have less bandwidth than I used to.  ‘Bandwidth’ has become one of my favorite words.”
 
“In the early days of my philanthropy, I was afraid that if I didn't say "yes" that I would not be asked again and that everything would pass me by.  I guess I suffered from FOMOphobia (FOMO is Fear Of Missing Out - I know, that phobia means "fear of", but there was a lot of fear).  Over time, I learned that just because you decline an "opportunity" today, doesn't mean that it won't come back tomorrow (sometimes with greater force).”
 
“I choose to significantly participate with organizations where I believe in the cause, that is a good steward of resources, and where I can make a difference.  This consumes 75% of my giving, I will be on their Boards, and use my skillset to advance their missions.  If any of these objectives aren’t met, I say no easily.”
 
“I prioritize my family responsibilities and that is the point from which I decline. I wish them well, say no and then feel guilty.”

In his book, Essentialism, The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, Greg McKeown writes, “Make your peace with the fact that saying “no” often requires trading popularity for respect.” He continues with, “…when someone asks for something and doesn’t get it, his or her immediate reaction may be annoyance or disappointment or even anger.  This downside is clear.  The potential upside, however, is less obvious: when the initial annoyance or disappointment or anger wears off, the respect kicks in. When we push back effectively, it shows people that our time is highly valuable.”

I now have close to 25 years of nonprofit board experience.  I have discovered whether an organization wants my treasure only or the trifecta of what I can bring to the table.  I know what I am capable of and what more I need to learn. Saying “no” has saved time and a misuse of resources on both sides.  It keeps the door open for an organization to find a better fit to accomplish their mission, and it keeps the door open for me to associate with an organization whose mission aligns with my passion.