Unleash the Power of Vulnerability

"I have never heard a person speak with such vulnerability at a business conference as you just were." Really? Moi? My presentation at a national conference of financial and philanthropic professionals carried the title, "What Was and What Will Be: A Client in Transition." I presented case studies, mine included, to illustrate the best and worst practices of advisors' vis-a-vis the retention of clients. The audience learned that while  some professionals recognized I was as much of their client as my then-husband, others dismissed me as "the wife of the client." The retelling of my experiences brought audible gasps from the audience. My frame of reference was, "I'm here to tell these people what it is like on the client-side of the table," and if I was going to share those stories, I need to tell the truth —  you couldn't make up some of these experiences.

When many people echoed the vulnerability aspect of my speech, I was dumbfounded and asked a friend precisely what that meant. She expounded, "You talked about not just what happened to you, but how it felt. You voiced what was going on, intellectually and emotionally." The view that I am unguarded is a disconnect because my perspective is that I am sharing my truth. It is my nature to include emotions in the equation, so I didn't think this was anything new or unordinary.

I want to know how people feel, and I assume everyone is like that. In jest, one of my friends introduces me, "This is my friend, Emily. Don't ask her how she is; she'll tell you," For the record, when I ask, "How are you?" I follow it with "That's a real question."

I have come to understand that not everyone comes to vulnerability easily. Many people mask their emotions — especially when talking about their feelings regarding their wealth because it is more comfortable, more conforming, and less open to judgment. (factoid: People would rather talk about sex with their children than talk about money).

"The problem is...that you cannot selectively numb those hard feelings without numbing the other effects and emotions. When we numb those, we numb joy, numb gratitude, numb happiness, and then we are miserable and are looking for purpose and meaning." -Brene Brown

The realization that my inherent superpower, of being vulnerable, led me to a personal and professional transformation. I'm here to tell you there is power in being vulnerable.

Having been both the client and the professional, I know that vulnerability is at the crux of people's challenges. Many people don't know how to address their emotional turmoil around their wealth. Clients don't readily share their emotional sensitivities regarding their wealth or estate plan with their lawyers and advisors, which causes dilemmas or issues for these professionals. Shame and fear are what keep many people from sharing their stories.

Being Vulnerable Means Being Open to Possibilities

An investment manager referred me to his clients, a couple, who were continually battling about their financial needs and wants. After asking each of them about the state of their marriage, what they trusted and liked about each other, we established that their intentions were loving. I clarified that our conversations would occur in a safe space to encourage each of them to let down their guard. The notion of someone hearing you, alone, is a great place to start. Each of them completed my worksheets to define their individual money story and share it only with me. By detailing your money story and saying it out loud, a person can feel acceptance and understanding. When we were all back together, the couple shared their stories. By sharing, they were asking one another for recognition — to listen with empathy and without judgment. We then went over the similarities and differences with both of their stories, acknowledging the source of one another's emotions around their finances, taking down the barriers that stood between them, and reframing the conversation to one of recognizing different perspectives, options, and compromise.

Vulnerability Brings Resolution

I have come to appreciate that hiding from one's truth is more painful than accepting it. A client, anxious about his legacy and feeling emotionally misaligned with his estate plan, came to me to discuss possible revisions. Chief among his concerns was his adult children's futures, and what might transpire upon his passing. He had children with two different women with dissimilar financial capabilities. He realized that the two sets of children would have different inheritances on the maternal side, and he was not sure how to reconcile this fact in his plan. In his plan, he wanted each child to feel equally loved by him and not equate his love with the monetary inheritance they would receive from him.  

In a review of the information he had shared, the questions he pondered, and the gaps between what existed and his feelings, it was evident that he wasn't fully sharing his truth. Our conversations were the perfect opportunities for him to open up about his thoughts and feelings about his legacy. We role-played the dialogues that he could have with his family to gain further clarity. He reported back that each conversation was one of the most meaningful, loving, and informative conversations he has ever had with his children. 

From there, we were able to document the changes for his estate lawyer to facilitate the revisions needed in his estate plan.

How to Unleash the Power of Vulnerability

Recognize that your need to protect yourself is limiting you. When we know we are about to be judged, we give the least personal information because we believe we are reducing possible ammunition for others to use. How can you discover the power of vulnerability?

1. Appreciate the journey you are about to take.

The information you will learn about yourself now will enable you to move on. The fear of the unknown is the worst of it. Owning part of the outcome is vital. Vulnerability isn't happening to you; you are part of the solution and choosing to be vulnerable.

2. Know your audience.

There is space and opportunity to offer your truth. It would help if you appreciate your audience and how much they can take in and how much you can take with their reaction. By knowing your audience, you are no longer hiding when you share. Like wearing a coat in winter and walking out into the cold, you are insulated and prepared for what you might hear.

3. Test the waters.

There is a difference between vulnerability in-the-moment versus in the past. Present and past emotions are on different levels, with the former carrying a more significant sting. Tell a story from your past. You will have fewer feelings about it because it has already happened. By sharing, you will get a sense of whether someone hears what you have to say. Ask yourself, why do you want to share this information? What do you want the outcome to be? Sharing a story can help teach you adaptability and resilience. It will help to reframe your vulnerability. 

4. Bring on the power.

The fear of 'I'm not good enough' can be top of mind, opening the door for doubt and fear. You have to be prepared to get an unwanted answer. Be resilient by believing in yourself in the face of a challenge. Your wellbeing is not dependent on the response. Learn to be more adaptable by embracing vulnerability, having courage, and "a willingness to do something when there are no guarantees." If people can adapt, they can resource their strengths and find power in vulnerability. 

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I explain my professional foundation with the following: Vulnerability is a strength. I believe that people want to matter, be seen, and be heard. Our conversations are confidential and free of judgment.  I also come to the conversation curious, which allows me to listen differently and more deeply. This core philosophy encourages trust, which opens the door to a far more emotional conversation about money — where the magic of vulnerability transpires and eventually leads to clarity and peace of mind.

Can We Be Impartial With Ourselves About Our Money?

Can We be Impartial With Ourselves About Our Money?

Impartiality is a hot topic in the press these days. The issue of neutrality led me to wonder if we are fair with ourselves. Are we open to new ideas, facts, lessons learned, or are we just critical with our life choices? I posed these questions to my clients as we reviewed their 2019 year-end financial picture and discussed 2020 goals. I, too, need to answer these questions for the same reasons and for the same periods. What follows is some guidance on how you can create your new year/new decade in ways that make sense for your financial goals, while appreciating your life values, principles, money narrative, and thought process.

Give Grace

A client and I discovered we both overspent with our gift-giving in 2019. We compared notes and found we had the same reactions of being self-critical for going over our personal budgets. In our meeting, when reviewing my client’s finances, she expressed anxiety and fear about the ramifications of overspending in a category. For 2020, she had started planning how not to repeat her “error.” My questions, such as, “How did it feel to buy a gift for your Uncle? Will you walk through the entire process?” brought forth how calm and joyful she felt at the time of buying and giving the gift. Through this process, we discovered that her style of gifting intertwined her life values of generosity and thoughtfulness.

The same is true of me. After some pondering, I don't regret how I’ve prioritized my life values and resulting financial picture at all. Giving allows me to live my life the way I want to live it.

Everyone has a money narrative; derived from how we grew up with money, what we learned explicitly or implicitly about it. Our money story holds our emotions, which leads to our thoughts and actions. I encourage you to review your 2019 financial actions with a different lens. Flipping your self-narrative from critical to positive can offer a needed reframe of your money narrative.

Consider Trade-Offs

A review and reconstruction of your yearly budget are appropriate. We are all in a constant state of transition. How we think about money, how we spend and save money reflects the changes in our lives. I work with my clients to create their personal Venn diagram – the intersection of your dollars with the collection and prioritization of wants, needs, and life values. If you have already created your 2020 budget, given we are already in February, you may be wise to take another look at it. I encourage you to ask yourself, “Is this budget financially feasible? What do I want to trade-off to make it so?” I previously wrote about The Beauty of Budgets, where I spend a great deal of time reflecting on my relationship to money, my needs, life values, and financial goals. Don't worry; it isn't as painful as you think. Setting a budget can bring comfort and clarity.

Give Yourself Affirmation

As we move into alignment, as we gain insight into our personal money story, how we think about our financial picture takes on a different perspective. I heard someone say, “leave your head, and get into your heart.” I wish I had come up with that line as it describes my philosophy of how to think with all systems in concert together. Let me offer, that when you act while considering your life values and priorities, there can be a sense of calmness, of certainty. “This is what I was meant to do,” is an expression I hear when this occurs.

Serenity was what my client felt when she took her son to serve at a food pantry during the holidays, which resulted in his appreciation of the many gifts he has received from his parents. Another client thought it necessary to take his family on a trip to see relatives across the country and altered his financial structure to accommodate that trip. At the end of 2019, I traveled to the US/Mexico border to volunteer with humanitarian non-profits assisting asylum seekers. While I didn't go there seeking fulfillment, my mission highlighted my need to serve others who are less fortunate – another reason to tweak my financial plan so I can continue to be of service.

Leigh Weinraub, Founder of Mind in Motion, speaks about “honoring the process of reflection,” as it will bring awareness and understanding of who you are, how you think, and where you are going in your life. I invite you to use the philosophy of reflection on your disposable income and your financial goals in the exact same way.

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” - Aristotle

In this special Year of the Rat, not just a new year but a new decade, which brings with it the promise of prosperity, we can make choices that enable us to provide comfort – mental and physical – for the future. May you move forward this year with joy, enthusiasm, and interest in learning more about and being more impartial with yourself.  If I can be your navigator, sounding board, listening partner, or guide, you know where to find me.

With Warmth and Gratitude - Emily

Winter Solstice Thoughts

Winter Solstice and its message of reflection and renewal ended today. I posted each day for the 4 days…what follows is the collection of the 4 brief essays:

WINTER SOLSTICE: Day One

According to Forever Conscious, “The winter solstice celebrates the longest hours of darkness or the rebirth of the sun and is believed to hold powerful energy for regeneration, renewal, and self-reflection. In Pagan times the winter solstice was referred to as Yule and was a celebration of the Goddess (Moon) energy. It was believed that on this day, the moon would give birth to the sun.”

The winter solstice is a time of quiet energy, where you get the opportunity to look within yourself and focus on what you want and need. It’s a time to set goals and intentions for the coming year, to examine and let go of our past, and to make changes within ourselves. The solstice is essentially tied to personal awakening.

Thus the journey continues with this as the next step…and my moment of self-reflection tonight? My vulnerability is more than others realize, my resiliency is more than I realize…

WINTER SOLSTICE: Day Two

Reflection…the many layers of each of our lives and how they are constantly changing…as the saying, “you can’t be in the same river twice (for the water is constantly moving)”…what layers do we reveal to ourselves and what layers do we reveal to others…willingly or not? Are we daring to peel back the layers as they get more sensitive, more vulnerable, more scarily unknown? Do we put the outer layers back on for safety, for defense, for blissful ignorance?

And…are you open to asking, “what layers serve me well — even if the service is not of a positive nature, how am I being served? And does this layer makes sense to keep or is it time for gratitude followed by removal to the past lives/experience compost bin?

How does renewal come without shedding the layers that prevent the new skin from breathing air…what am I willing to leave behind in order to move forward?

WINTER SOLSTICE: Day Three

Looking forward — what do I see? Clarity? Vagueness? Are the images defined, a blur, or something in-between?

Looking forward — what do I feel? Fear? Excitement? Angst?

Can I follow my mantra of coming to the conversation curious? Can fear of the unknown be replaced by a wonderment for the unknown? YES. A resounding YES.

“Rejections will redirect you to more exciting roads. When you think your life is falling apart, it’s usually falling together in disguise. Your search will throw you on journeys you never would have dreamt of, in your mind and in the world.” -Charlotte Ericksson

WINTER SOLSTICE: Last Day

As the winter solstice ends, we are encouraged to seek renewal, experience birth/rebirth, move on with our thoughts, our revelations, our desires. What wisdom have you found in that deep vessel that is your inner being? What more are you wanting to explore? The barriers to your dreams, intentions, and goals are the ones you allow to enter your core.

Buddha says, “Three things cannot be hidden for long, the sun, the moon, and the truth.” What is your truth? How do you want to show up in the world?

“rise

said the moon

and the new day came” ― Rupi Kaur

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Photos Credit: Emily Scott

Not Temporary and Not Shelter

Photo Credit - Emily Scott

Last month, I traveled to El Paso (Texas) and Juarez (Mexico) to bear witness to the humanitarian crisis that continues to unfold and to volunteer with respite centers helping the migrants and asylum seekers.

When we hear of a child in a juvenile detention center, we wonder what was their crime — what did he/she do to be placed in detention? Right now, there are nearly 14,000 children in detention centers and shelters throughout this nation for crimes they did not commit. Either the children came to the United States with their parents who are legally seeking asylum and refuge from their homeland (which is not a crime) or were sent here for safety by loving and fearful parents. They did nothing wrong. Nor did their parents.

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

Not fake news. How I wish it was.

One of these facilities is in Tornillo Texas. Tornillo is in the middle of nowhere and far from residential or industrial areas so Americans don’t have to see it in their daily lives. As there is no public transport to Tornillo, unless you can afford your own car or a hired car, you cannot get (or leave) there.

On October 27th, we attended a peaceful protest rally outside the Tornillo confinements.

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

Our government calls it a tent city or a camp. I went to summer camp. This is not a camp. This is a prison for innocent children. Tornillo was deemed a temporary shelter for only 30 days for a few hundred children. That is a lie. It has been operational for far longer and it has grown five-fold in size, now able to hold thousands of children indefinitely. Which it does.

How do the children get here? Those in the know, those who have not blindly turned this page of our history and who have borne witness have described the trucks of children coming in the night. From where do they come?

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

Ashley (a self-proclaimed Radical Social Worker) writes, “Children are taken in the middle of the night from licensed facilities and foster homes with operational and child welfare guidelines including education and adequate access to legal assistance, and moved to the tent city in Tornillo, with very little oversight, and little to no access to education and legal assistance. We have a situation where what was intended to be a shelter for a few hundred unaccompanied children to be operational for 30 days, is now a child prison, with little oversight and indefinite sentences.”

When we arrive, we are told that we cannot visit inside the facility. We are told that ICE is being “protective of their privacy.” That is fake news. How easy it is to dismiss nameless and faceless children. How easy to move on to the next topic of the day. Not so easy when you see sobbing children with fear in their eyes. Our tears shed as we thought of the children. Although we could not see them behind the stone and barbed wire walls, we knew the loneliness and despair and thus, the anguish and cruelty they were experiencing as we rallied to reunite and free their families.

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

The same language and the same tactics were used by the Nazis. Moving people in the middle of the night. Mothers being told that their children were being taken to get showers. Building their factories for human obliteration far from the public eye. Calling these buildings simply “camps.” The list goes on. My father’s family in Czechoslovakia never thought it could happen to them. Yet it did. We know it did. This is not fake news. How I wish it was.

If I am not reaching your heart with this destruction of humanity in the making, then perhaps I can reach your wallet. Tornillo costs the taxpayers/government approximately $100 million a month to run. Certainly, a significant portion of the cost is for personnel. Other costs include water trucks brought in repeatedly during the day to provide clean water and take the dirty water out. Electricity is insufficiently provided by generators. The great businessman that Agent Orange is (now that’s fake news) advocates that this is a scalable model for immigrant detention. $100 million monthly for 1 single, make-shift “temporary” facility.

The current administration created this humanitarian crisis of unaccompanied, entirely vulnerable migrant children through unlawful and forced family separation. There are confirmed abuses and even more allegations. We are talking about innocent children…the scars — emotional, mental, physical — are unfathomable and yet they must be owned by all of us who allow this to happen.

It is happening yet again. I was brought up with the mantra, “Never forget, never let it happen again.” This I was told as I learned about the murders of my paternal family at Nazi concentration camps. As I said in the Congo, as I said in Lesvos, Greece, as I said when I bore witness and volunteered in other parts of the world, it is happening again. So why the silence? And it is happening not on other continents, not in other countries; it is happening right here on American soil, in our own country.

How many times has this happened in the short time our country has been in existence? We have discriminated against people of color since our nation’s beginning. As other examples, we attacked the Native Americans (completely decimating their way of life), the Catholics, the Irish, the Italians, the Japanese (forcing hundreds of thousands living in the U.S. into internment camps), then the Jews, then the Muslims, and now people of the Americas from the south seeking asylum here.

Who is next? Your group? Will you then scream into the wind, “This is not fake news?”

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

How you can help

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

Does Your Philanthropy Represent Who You Are?

                                                                                                                                                      Photo Credit: Emily Scott

“Wonder is the beginning of wisdom” - Socrates

A few weeks ago, I attended the AiP conference (Advisors in Philanthropy) for business professionals engaged in various philanthropic advisory practices.  For two days, I was among others in the space in which I now live – helping people engage in philanthropy. I was surprised by two things: the research data that shows this conversation isn’t happening as much as clients want it to happen, and the many professionals who don’t know how to initiate the conversation, let alone have it in greater length.  Given that my work is all about the conversation and collaborating with exactly the type of professionals assembled in the room, I couldn’t give my card out fast enough.

Do any of the following key findings resonate with you?

The 2016 U.S.Trust Study of High Net Worth Philanthropy key findings include:

• In 2016 59% of the general US population donated to charity.

• 91% of high net worth households donated to charity.

• While 83% of wealthy donors plan to increase their giving, women, African Americans, and younger individuals are likely to give even more in the future.

• 50% of wealthy individuals volunteered their time and talent to charitable organizations.

• The number one challenge to charitable giving was “Identifying what I care about and deciding what to donate to.”

• There is a high correlation between charitable giving and knowledge levels.

• While there is a strong desire to engage next generations, few do (28%).

And my favorite statistics:  

34% of affluent individuals want to have THE VALUES conversations at the first meeting with you and 90% agree it should occur within the first several meetings.

In reality, according to a 2013 study by TPI/US, clients felt that advisors brought up the subject only 17% of the time.

Why my favorites?  This is exactly what ES-Power of And is all about.  Who are you and how does your philanthropy represent who you are.  It is not surprising that people give more when they are knowledgeable.  I would add that people would give even more if they tapped into what was personally important to them.

So, how does this conversation happen?

Start with the premise of “coming to the conversation curious.” As I often say, when you approach a conversation with complete openness, it allows for more information to flow.  

Asking high gain questions results in more feelings and thoughts to emerge.

Spend the time in dialog around values, principles, priorities, passions.  

What is heart based? What is intellectually interesting?  What in your life, your ancestry, your future generations are important to you? Do you have an affinity for certain areas of interest? Do you feel grateful to anything or anyone in particular?

What motivates you? What is your time horizon? How do you want to interact with others?

Notice something?  Not one of the above questions relates to “how much money do you want to give?” My premise is that until you spend the time learning about your passions, values, interests, etc., donating your treasure, time, and talent will not be fulfilling.  Given that being philanthropic is 100% choice – you don’t “have” to be charitable -  why have it be anything but meaningful to you?

I describe this as your personal Venn diagram. When you combine your values/principles, your passions, with data and information, the intersection of the three is your personal Venn diagram.  

My own work 14 years ago is an illustration.  My passions included seemingly disparate areas – disadvantaged youth, empowering women and girls, and animal welfare.  As I thought deeply about my values and principles, the concept of resilience emerged.  As I looked at my three passions, the common thread was the resiliency in each of these areas.  From there, I spent a great deal of time learning about the areas, understanding more of the problems, and how I could participate and/or make an impact.  

Take the journey to discover what is deep within you.  After your exploration, think about how you want to invest your time, treasure, and talent.  What is the best way for you to show up in the world?