Can We Be Impartial With Ourselves About Our Money?

Can We be Impartial With Ourselves About Our Money?

Impartiality is a hot topic in the press these days. The issue of neutrality led me to wonder if we are fair with ourselves. Are we open to new ideas, facts, lessons learned, or are we just critical with our life choices? I posed these questions to my clients as we reviewed their 2019 year-end financial picture and discussed 2020 goals. I, too, need to answer these questions for the same reasons and for the same periods. What follows is some guidance on how you can create your new year/new decade in ways that make sense for your financial goals, while appreciating your life values, principles, money narrative, and thought process.

Give Grace

A client and I discovered we both overspent with our gift-giving in 2019. We compared notes and found we had the same reactions of being self-critical for going over our personal budgets. In our meeting, when reviewing my client’s finances, she expressed anxiety and fear about the ramifications of overspending in a category. For 2020, she had started planning how not to repeat her “error.” My questions, such as, “How did it feel to buy a gift for your Uncle? Will you walk through the entire process?” brought forth how calm and joyful she felt at the time of buying and giving the gift. Through this process, we discovered that her style of gifting intertwined her life values of generosity and thoughtfulness.

The same is true of me. After some pondering, I don't regret how I’ve prioritized my life values and resulting financial picture at all. Giving allows me to live my life the way I want to live it.

Everyone has a money narrative; derived from how we grew up with money, what we learned explicitly or implicitly about it. Our money story holds our emotions, which leads to our thoughts and actions. I encourage you to review your 2019 financial actions with a different lens. Flipping your self-narrative from critical to positive can offer a needed reframe of your money narrative.

Consider Trade-Offs

A review and reconstruction of your yearly budget are appropriate. We are all in a constant state of transition. How we think about money, how we spend and save money reflects the changes in our lives. I work with my clients to create their personal Venn diagram – the intersection of your dollars with the collection and prioritization of wants, needs, and life values. If you have already created your 2020 budget, given we are already in February, you may be wise to take another look at it. I encourage you to ask yourself, “Is this budget financially feasible? What do I want to trade-off to make it so?” I previously wrote about The Beauty of Budgets, where I spend a great deal of time reflecting on my relationship to money, my needs, life values, and financial goals. Don't worry; it isn't as painful as you think. Setting a budget can bring comfort and clarity.

Give Yourself Affirmation

As we move into alignment, as we gain insight into our personal money story, how we think about our financial picture takes on a different perspective. I heard someone say, “leave your head, and get into your heart.” I wish I had come up with that line as it describes my philosophy of how to think with all systems in concert together. Let me offer, that when you act while considering your life values and priorities, there can be a sense of calmness, of certainty. “This is what I was meant to do,” is an expression I hear when this occurs.

Serenity was what my client felt when she took her son to serve at a food pantry during the holidays, which resulted in his appreciation of the many gifts he has received from his parents. Another client thought it necessary to take his family on a trip to see relatives across the country and altered his financial structure to accommodate that trip. At the end of 2019, I traveled to the US/Mexico border to volunteer with humanitarian non-profits assisting asylum seekers. While I didn't go there seeking fulfillment, my mission highlighted my need to serve others who are less fortunate – another reason to tweak my financial plan so I can continue to be of service.

Leigh Weinraub, Founder of Mind in Motion, speaks about “honoring the process of reflection,” as it will bring awareness and understanding of who you are, how you think, and where you are going in your life. I invite you to use the philosophy of reflection on your disposable income and your financial goals in the exact same way.

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” - Aristotle

In this special Year of the Rat, not just a new year but a new decade, which brings with it the promise of prosperity, we can make choices that enable us to provide comfort – mental and physical – for the future. May you move forward this year with joy, enthusiasm, and interest in learning more about and being more impartial with yourself.  If I can be your navigator, sounding board, listening partner, or guide, you know where to find me.

With Warmth and Gratitude - Emily

Does Your Philanthropy Represent Who You Are?

                                                                                                                                                      Photo Credit: Emily Scott

“Wonder is the beginning of wisdom” - Socrates

A few weeks ago, I attended the AiP conference (Advisors in Philanthropy) for business professionals engaged in various philanthropic advisory practices.  For two days, I was among others in the space in which I now live – helping people engage in philanthropy. I was surprised by two things: the research data that shows this conversation isn’t happening as much as clients want it to happen, and the many professionals who don’t know how to initiate the conversation, let alone have it in greater length.  Given that my work is all about the conversation and collaborating with exactly the type of professionals assembled in the room, I couldn’t give my card out fast enough.

Do any of the following key findings resonate with you?

The 2016 U.S.Trust Study of High Net Worth Philanthropy key findings include:

• In 2016 59% of the general US population donated to charity.

• 91% of high net worth households donated to charity.

• While 83% of wealthy donors plan to increase their giving, women, African Americans, and younger individuals are likely to give even more in the future.

• 50% of wealthy individuals volunteered their time and talent to charitable organizations.

• The number one challenge to charitable giving was “Identifying what I care about and deciding what to donate to.”

• There is a high correlation between charitable giving and knowledge levels.

• While there is a strong desire to engage next generations, few do (28%).

And my favorite statistics:  

34% of affluent individuals want to have THE VALUES conversations at the first meeting with you and 90% agree it should occur within the first several meetings.

In reality, according to a 2013 study by TPI/US, clients felt that advisors brought up the subject only 17% of the time.

Why my favorites?  This is exactly what ES-Power of And is all about.  Who are you and how does your philanthropy represent who you are.  It is not surprising that people give more when they are knowledgeable.  I would add that people would give even more if they tapped into what was personally important to them.

So, how does this conversation happen?

Start with the premise of “coming to the conversation curious.” As I often say, when you approach a conversation with complete openness, it allows for more information to flow.  

Asking high gain questions results in more feelings and thoughts to emerge.

Spend the time in dialog around values, principles, priorities, passions.  

What is heart based? What is intellectually interesting?  What in your life, your ancestry, your future generations are important to you? Do you have an affinity for certain areas of interest? Do you feel grateful to anything or anyone in particular?

What motivates you? What is your time horizon? How do you want to interact with others?

Notice something?  Not one of the above questions relates to “how much money do you want to give?” My premise is that until you spend the time learning about your passions, values, interests, etc., donating your treasure, time, and talent will not be fulfilling.  Given that being philanthropic is 100% choice – you don’t “have” to be charitable -  why have it be anything but meaningful to you?

I describe this as your personal Venn diagram. When you combine your values/principles, your passions, with data and information, the intersection of the three is your personal Venn diagram.  

My own work 14 years ago is an illustration.  My passions included seemingly disparate areas – disadvantaged youth, empowering women and girls, and animal welfare.  As I thought deeply about my values and principles, the concept of resilience emerged.  As I looked at my three passions, the common thread was the resiliency in each of these areas.  From there, I spent a great deal of time learning about the areas, understanding more of the problems, and how I could participate and/or make an impact.  

Take the journey to discover what is deep within you.  After your exploration, think about how you want to invest your time, treasure, and talent.  What is the best way for you to show up in the world?

To Give or Not To Give: How to Say No when Asked for a Donation

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

When asked what one of the bigger personal challenges a philanthropist faces, the answer often is “saying no when asked for funding, board participation, or a time commitment.”  At The Philanthropy Workshop, where I am an alumna, we refer to this as the investment of our time, treasure, and talent. 
 
I wrestled – and still do – with the donation question, especially when a friend is making the request.  I have made huge mistakes, have had unrealistic expectations, and have learned some of the lessons the hard way.  When I was President of our family foundation, the very first thing our new Executive Director said to me was, “I am here to say “no” for you so you don’t have to,” which provided instant relief for me, and some degree of job security for her!
 
As one would expect, there are multiple ways to decline a contribution request.

Here are a few insights of some wise, caring, thoughtful philanthropists: 

• "I have an allocation portfolio for my charitable giving.  Whenever a friend or family member asks for a donation to something which isn’t in my portfolio, I always give a little as I want to be supportive.  Due to my funding constraints, I rarely give the full amount that is asked.  I include an explanation, such as, “You are very important to me and I respect that this cause is important to you.  I appreciate that you believe this is a worthwhile organization and I trust you. While it is not my passion, I want to be supportive of your efforts.  I have money set aside for just this reason. I cannot give you the full amount as I want to be there for others in similar situations.  Thank you for asking me to contribute."

• “I now say, ‘I'd love to, but I can't.’  It has the virtue of being true, being respectful, honoring the request, and setting a good boundary. I have found that it is as much a gift to the asker -- whether it be a development person, a friend, a board member -- to be clear and not squishy.  This is hard.  Some of us need to please, and this helps no one, least of all ourselves.” 

• “The donation ask is the hardest for me because we all have plenty of resources.  I have sort of a baseline contribution I will make in honor of friends.  Beyond that, when asked for something that takes me off task, I'll generally use language such as ‘We're fully committed’ or ‘We're stretched pretty thin’ or ‘I can't take this on, but I wish you the best of luck.’”  

• “I always try to remember and start with the dubiously attributed Mark Twain quote: ‘If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.’” 

• “We set aside a very small proportion of funds to accommodate unexpected requests to support ‘friends and furries.’ Since we set the rules for this process, we can always bend them, but this structure makes it easier for us to decline a request using language like ‘we are committed for this year, but tell me more so we can consider this for next year…’” 

• “I have 3 categories for my philanthropy and the third category is friends and family.  This category consumes 5-10% of my overall giving.  We lay out the budget in January and track against it so I can’t give if we are fully committed.  If a really good friend asks for $10, I give $2.  I used to fret about saying no but I’ve found that, while they may be disappointed, the friendships endure if you are authentic and responsive.”

 
In his book, Essentialism, The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, Greg McKeown writes, “Remember that a clear “no” can be more graceful than a vague or noncommittal “yes.” He adds, “Being vague is not the same as being graceful, and delaying the eventual “no” will only make it that much harder – and the recipient that much more resentful.”

A note to acknowledge the other side – the ask.  Given my extensive list of passions, I could easily ask my network for a donation to a different organization every day of the year.  I have vetted each nonprofit and know that they are of value to the area of need in which they operate.  When I was told “no,” I used to think “how can you possibly say no, don’t you care about ___?”  It took me a long time to recognize that my passion is MY passion and simply may not resonate with others.  Combine that with financial constraints, donation fatigue, etc. I now have more compassion and appreciation for those who decline my request. 
 
Hopefully, I never get used to saying “no.”  Supporting the people in my life is one of my core principles.  My showing up with curiosity, authenticity, empathy, mindful intention, and gratitude needs to be consistent.  It is what I want when the roles are reversed.
 
I do know that I would rather hear “no” then hear nothing.  Silence is not always golden.