Money is a hard thing to talk about. It fits right in between being honest with your doctor and discussing a “newly renovated” nursing home with your mother-in-law.
In fact, we’re taught from an early age to avoid talking about money. Even straightforward subjects like salary and savings are hindered by a layer of taboo. So, imagine the herculean difficulty of trying to talk about any emotional aspects of the subject.
You’d think that communication gets easier the closer we are with someone, but we all know that isn’t always the case. Disagreements and differences in ideology can spell the end of a relationship if they’re put through enough stress. Most couples don’t want to invite that themselves and choose to steer clear of hot button subjects.
Avoidance only works for so long. Some unforeseen problem will shake your life from its axis and force you to talk about more than just current events. Due to the ubiquity of finance, at least part of that conversation will almost certainly be about money.
And it will test your relationship.
Now, it’s easy to believe the couples that fail this test just weren’t strong enough. That they hadn’t cultivated the openness and honesty of their counterparts.
Rather than a lack of honesty, I’ve observed that many individuals lack the necessary insight into their money story to explain themselves properly. A “money story” is the culmination of all the implicit and explicit financial lessons you’ve learned throughout your life. Our money stories are individually unique. As a result, we’re approaching the conversation from different perspectives which is a big factor in the difficulty in communicating about finances.
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Why We Struggle to Communicate
Knowing your financial habits and having insight into them are separate matters. Many people have no trouble explaining their general money philosophy. They describe themselves with simple terms like saver, spender, or investor among other things.
However, such broad definitions don’t cut it in a serious financial discussion, whether it’s with a personal or professional connection. Certainly, the spender will be looser with money while the saver will tighten their grip. They’ll continue to clash as each one struggles to understand why their partner won’t accept their point of view.
This will go on until the relationship breaks or someone thinks to ask, “why do you feel that way?”
Why do you value a safety net so much?
Why do you want to spend money on something like this?
Why are you so keen on following the stock market?
Questions like these probe into a financial habit's emotional or historical reasoning. Instead of playing an argumentative numbers game of “cost v. benefit,” a couple with insight into the reasons behind their habits will form a deeper understanding.
This understanding helps them realize why it’s important that their partner act on their ideology to a certain degree. It’s not just about blindly spending, saving, and investing. Instead, the act of using money in a particular way provides feelings of acknowledgment, safety, validation, or other positive emotional responses. Values that both partners want for the other.
While the questions to ask are relatively straightforward, their answers will be more complicated to sort out. After all, our behaviors are like an emotional puzzle box built by a lifetime of expectations and experiences.
There are thousands upon thousands of pieces that cling together and shape our overall ideology. Little factors like opening a lemonade stand as a kid or your father’s rule of squirreling away 20 percent of every paycheck play a role. Locating the most impactful factors among them takes time and precision.
This becomes even more complex when we introduce an intimate partner into the mix. Having to integrate their feelings and viewpoints is akin to throwing in a handful of new pieces that we can’t find a place for in our puzzle.
It’s only when we share our money stories and present how we think and feel that we can create space for our partners. We rarely discuss this need in our day-to-day, so when it’s time to get serious, it’s hard to land on common ground.
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Excavating the Money Story and Finding Common Ground
A few years ago, a couple came to me and detailed a situation that I can only describe as an intermittent war. The prize? Control over a hefty inheritance.
It was one of the classic scenarios between a spender and saver.
The wife earmarked the inheritance as a safety measure. Something to provide for their family if an emergency arose. A “break glass in case of hard times” fund. Her husband considered it an extension of their savings. Something to be used in the present to improve their lives.
Every purchase or expense eclipsing a standard grocery run would spark a contentious debate. Previously agreeable decisions like vacation destinations and home improvements became the backdrop for arguments that slowly eroded their marriage.
Despite the ever-growing conflicts, they continued to treasure each other and wanted the marriage to survive. They felt that it wouldn’t if this game of inheritance tug-of-war wasn’t somehow put to rest.
After hearing both sides’ opening statements, it became clear that the problem had only been approached from a fact-based vantage point. They repeated rationales like saving up for their children or the logistics of adding a third bathroom but didn’t understand why they valued their plans over their partner’s.
They had both grown up in less than favorable circumstances that dramatically influenced their perspectives. Just in different ways. They’d learned harsh lessons and, the harsher the lesson, the more its teachings are adhered to. This is the emotional side of money that often drives our decision-making actions and behaviors.
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Her Anxiety
A depression-era home struggling to survive. She learned early on about the pain of living without a safety net. Doing everything to succeed but still surrounded by a family endlessly worried about the next morning.
Two siblings turned to substance abuse and she had the role of the “good and responsible child” hoisted upon her.. Her lesson was to always have a backup so her family could live with a light heart even when times got hard.
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His Reward
A father that was incapable of holding down a job. He learned how inconsistent providers hurt everyone around them. Rather than rely on employers, he founded his own company and created a high level of security for himself.
Everything he earned went toward his family because they needed it all. And he was happy to give it to them.
However, when a large sum of unexpected money came in, he wanted to reward himself for his work. He had succeeded where his father had failed and wanted to feel the benefits of that. This was the motivation behind his hyperfocus on using the inheritance money.
While his money always went to supporting his family, this extra money could be used as a reward and make him feel like his efforts had paid off.
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Give Some Ground for the Benefit of Both
Understanding your partner’s emotional reasoning is a way to initiate the discussion with common ground to jump off. In the end, you both want the other to feel satisfied and happy about how you’re using the joint money. However, chasing after emotional payoffs isn’t an excuse to be reckless with your finances.
The point is to pin down a way to fulfill both of your needs rather than prioritizing whoever has the more compelling backstory. We’re not in the business of emotionally blackmailing our partners. If only one of you compromises their needs at every turn, then discord will form and cause future conversations to become even harder.
In the inheritance case, the goal was to find a way to let the husband feel rewarded for his success while maintaining the sense of security it brought to the wife. You’ll notice that this is a completely different puzzle than arguing about who’s financial ideology should be applied wholesale to the inheritance.
One of the measures I suggested was creating a stipend. This was a pre-agreed amount of money that the husband had complete autonomy over. So, rather than feeling like nothing he earned went to himself, he could reward himself with an amount that didn’t threaten his wife’s comfort.
Of course, other conflicts arose from their unique experiences, but this was just one way that a little insight completely changed their conversation.
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Keys to Having a Balanced and Safe Financial Discussion
While grasping your partner’s ideology is a huge help, it’s still possible for serious discussions to become unnecessarily heated. Setting up a few guidelines ahead of time can mitigate problems and keep the conversation flowing in productive ways.
Remember it’s a Conversation Not a Confrontation: Just as you’re not trying to antagonize your partner, they’re not trying to hurt you either. Keep the dialogue friendly and, if needed, gently address statements that make you feel attacked.
Appreciate Your Partner’s Values: You’re not in a relationship with a carbon copy of yourself. Each person brings unique values and perspectives to the table and it’s the collective’s responsibility to at least hear them out. Keeping an open mind can often keep disputes from turning into full-blown arguments.
Relationship “Shorthand” is Dangerous: It’s easy to assume you know everything about your partner, particularly in lengthy marriages. This leads us to continue discussions under certain assumptions which is a dangerous practice. If you take the time to confirm your partner’s thoughts, it could keep you from creating pointless static. One of my favorite expressions is to “come to the conversation curious.”
Take Time to Reaffirm the Relationship: Things can get passionate (and personal), but take a breath. Remind your partner, or be open to reminders, that the purpose of the discussion is to help you both. Come from a loving place and be obvious about it.
If a financial issue is disrupting your relationship and you want to communicate more effectively with your partner, then you can contact me here or reference our online resources.